*** I haven't been this scared of
Anthrax since they were in heavy rotation on MTV.
*** They say people are now even
afraid to open their mail. I guess I'm just, as usual when it comes to
fears, ahead of the game on this. I've been afraid to open my mail ever
since somebody sent me a subscription to "Rosie" magazine. Who hates me
*** All this talk about white, powdery
substances brings back fond memories of the '80s for me. Boy, I sure
did love my dandruff.
*** You know, there's only two
sure-fire ways to get rid of dandruff: go bald or get beheaded.
*** "Beheaded." "Be headed." Break it
up into two words and it doesn't sound so bad.
*** Tom Brokaw signed off his newscast
Monday saying, "In Cipro we trust." (Cipro is the antibiotic most used
against Anthrax.) Besides being incredibly irresponsible for a network
news anchor, it's also a great stock tip.
*** Billy Bob Thornton says he only
has two fears: clowns and antique furniture. Now there's a guy who
hasn't been watching the news lately.
*** Rush Limbaugh has gone deaf. This
must have been a long time coming. It's been years since he could hear
any opposing viewpoints.
*** Al Franken should probably update
that book he put out: "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat, Deaf Idiot".
*** Rush Limbaugh does have one thing
over all the rest of us now that he's deaf. He never has to listen to
the Rush Limbaugh Show. Ever.
*** So far doctors have been unable to
pinpoint the exact cause of his deafness. Rush, however, blames it all
on a vast right ear conspiracy.
*** George Bush continues to urge all
Americans to go back to their normal lives. Does this mean we can go
back to calling him retarded?
*** The cover of Paul McCartney's new
album "Driving Rain" shows him urinating. Talk about a Beatles' # 1.
*** Rapper DMX is all set to star in a
remake of the Peter Lorre movie "M". To be followed, no doubt, by a
movie called "D", and then another one called "X". If this guy knew how
to spell he would've started with "D".
*** Bruce Willis attacked a pumpkin in
New York's Serafina's restaurant after taking a dislike to the large
round orange fruit. Either he was drunk or he's just a huge fan of
*** Kiss has cancelled their planned
performance at the "United We Stand" concert in Washington, D.C. on
Sunday. This has got to go down as one of the worst Kissasters in
*** Am I the only who thinks that new
Drew Barrymore movie should be called "From Hell"?
*** The FDA has approved a new birth
control option for women: the vaginal ring. Just slip it on their
finger during a "wedding" and you'll never have to worry about sex
*** According to a new book, Hitler
was gay. Do you think his "friends" knew they were going down on a guy
who would go down in history?
*** Any guy that would do Hitler must
have been a real trooper. A real Storm Trooper, that is.
*** Can you imagine having Hitler in
your ass? Talk about your Nazi occupation.
*** According to another new book,
Madonna would be the mother of 13 children if she hadn't had 11
abortions over the years. Now there's a woman who really knows how to
take care of kids.
*** Michael Jackson has filmed a cameo
in the movie "Men in Black 2". Which raises an interesting question.
Should Michael Jackson really be appearing in any movie with the word
"Black" in it? Or "Men", for that matter?
*** Do you think Bob Hope's working up
a new act to entertain the troops? Does it involve mostly drooling or
mostly dribbling? And from what orifice?
*** Lastly, why does Osama Bin Laden
wear a diaper on his head? Because he's got shit for brains.
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