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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 10-19-01

*** I haven't been this scared of Anthrax since they were in heavy rotation on MTV.

*** They say people are now even afraid to open their mail. I guess I'm just, as usual when it comes to fears, ahead of the game on this. I've been afraid to open my mail ever since somebody sent me a subscription to "Rosie" magazine. Who hates me that much?

*** All this talk about white, powdery substances brings back fond memories of the '80s for me. Boy, I sure did love my dandruff.

*** You know, there's only two sure-fire ways to get rid of dandruff: go bald or get beheaded.

*** "Beheaded." "Be headed." Break it up into two words and it doesn't sound so bad.

*** Tom Brokaw signed off his newscast Monday saying, "In Cipro we trust." (Cipro is the antibiotic most used against Anthrax.) Besides being incredibly irresponsible for a network news anchor, it's also a great stock tip.

*** Billy Bob Thornton says he only has two fears: clowns and antique furniture. Now there's a guy who hasn't been watching the news lately.

*** Rush Limbaugh has gone deaf. This must have been a long time coming. It's been years since he could hear any opposing viewpoints.

*** Al Franken should probably update that book he put out: "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat, Deaf Idiot".

*** Rush Limbaugh does have one thing over all the rest of us now that he's deaf. He never has to listen to the Rush Limbaugh Show. Ever.

*** So far doctors have been unable to pinpoint the exact cause of his deafness. Rush, however, blames it all on a vast right ear conspiracy.

*** George Bush continues to urge all Americans to go back to their normal lives. Does this mean we can go back to calling him retarded?

*** The cover of Paul McCartney's new album "Driving Rain" shows him urinating. Talk about a Beatles' # 1.

*** Rapper DMX is all set to star in a remake of the Peter Lorre movie "M". To be followed, no doubt, by a movie called "D", and then another one called "X". If this guy knew how to spell he would've started with "D".

*** Bruce Willis attacked a pumpkin in New York's Serafina's restaurant after taking a dislike to the large round orange fruit. Either he was drunk or he's just a huge fan of Smashing Pumpkins.

*** Kiss has cancelled their planned performance at the "United We Stand" concert in Washington, D.C. on Sunday. This has got to go down as one of the worst Kissasters in Kisstory.

*** Am I the only who thinks that new Drew Barrymore movie should be called "From Hell"?

*** The FDA has approved a new birth control option for women: the vaginal ring. Just slip it on their finger during a "wedding" and you'll never have to worry about sex again.

*** According to a new book, Hitler was gay. Do you think his "friends" knew they were going down on a guy who would go down in history?

*** Any guy that would do Hitler must have been a real trooper. A real Storm Trooper, that is.

*** Can you imagine having Hitler in your ass? Talk about your Nazi occupation.

*** According to another new book, Madonna would be the mother of 13 children if she hadn't had 11 abortions over the years. Now there's a woman who really knows how to take care of kids.

*** Michael Jackson has filmed a cameo in the movie "Men in Black 2". Which raises an interesting question. Should Michael Jackson really be appearing in any movie with the word "Black" in it? Or "Men", for that matter?

*** Do you think Bob Hope's working up a new act to entertain the troops? Does it involve mostly drooling or mostly dribbling? And from what orifice?

*** Lastly, why does Osama Bin Laden wear a diaper on his head? Because he's got shit for brains.

And, that’s that.

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