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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 10-20-00

*** After watching all three presidential debates I can honestly say that I know exactly how the undecided voter feels. It's like trying to decide between being anally penetrated by a drill or a chisel. Both hurt, and your problems are just starting no matter which you choose.

*** On the plus side there are third party candidates running: the Communist, the Nudist, the Logical Positivist, Nader, Buchanan, Browne, and others. In fact, there are so many third party candidates running they really should find another term beside "third" party candidates. Maybe "media excluded" is a more accurate term, but I prefer the Not-Bush-Or- Gore party candidates.

*** This year I'm voting for Pat Paulsen again. I know he's dead, but that just indicates how little damage he could do once elected. Also, he's still smarter than Bush, less stiff than Gore, and if he should run this country into the ground it will only be six feet down.

*** Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan died this past week. He's best remembered nationally for that moment of silence they gave him during the last debate.

*** Al Gore told Regis Philbin this past week that he can hypnotize a chicken. What Regis had asked was, "How many Olsen twins are there?" Al Gore left without winning a dime. 

*** It's a subway series as the Yanks battle the Mets for the championship. I won't be going. What, and have to sit next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year old mom with four kids. And everywhere surrounded by foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. It'll be like Beirut.

*** SAG wants to throw Elizabeth Hurley out of the union for crossing the picket line to do her Estee Lauder ads. This could effectively end her career. Hey, once Elizabeth Hurley starts to SAG her career will be over. Just give it time.

*** A man with an assault rifle is being blamed for ruining a screening of "The Ladies' Man" in Mtn. View, California. Who ruined the screening I saw? I think it was the cast, the crew, and the writers. I don't think they could have made a worse movie if they based it on that CBS TV show called "Ladies' Man".

*** It Makes Me Ill and Tears Up My Heart to report this, but a Tennessee teens plans to kill the members of 'N sync are Bye, Bye, Bye. His mother found his plans for "Operation Death Strike" while folding his Backstreet Boy underoos. The folder contained elaborate details on his plot to ambush the boy band at an upcoming concert. "I Thought She Knew", was the surprised teens response. When reached for a response, Lance Bass (the cute one), said, "I Drive Myself Crazy. What's his excuse?"

*** According to tests done on remaining samples of his hair, Beethoven suffered from lead poisoning. I think that makes him the first "heavy metal" composer.

*** John Travolta says that there will definitely be a sequel to "Battlefield Earth", he just has to work it into his schedule. He plans to begin work on the project right after sequels to "Moment by Moment", "Two Of A Kind", "Perfect", and "The Experts".

*** Did you hear about that German woman who flushed her newborn down the toilet? She's already apologizing. She said, "I didn't mean to flush the little shit down the toilet, I meant to throw him in a dumpster." It's not much of an apology, but she is German, so what did you expect?

*** Famous Onanist George Michael paid 2.1 million dollars for John Lennon's piano. I just want to know how he plans to masturbate with that. Do you think he might have been confused and thought he was buying Lennon's organ?

*** Don Henley is being sued. A woman fan claims that he hit her on the head with a maraca during a recent concert. She's claiming brain damage. This sure sounds like a pre-existing condition to me. After all, she was at a Don Henley concert.

*** Vincent Canby is dead. Can't be! That's his ending? How anticlimactic can you get?

*** At least one five-legged frog has been spotted in Buffalo, NY. It was probably just Kermit with a hard-on. There's no need to panic.

*** Three Scottsville, NY Burger King employees were arrested for peeing, spitting, and putting cleaning products on the hamburgers they were selling. Apparently, they had ran out of special sauce and this was the closest substitute they could come up with. Outside of the vomiting, no one seemed to notice.

*** Urine on hamburgers?! That's the #1 reason I don't eat at Burger King. 

*** Lastly, a new study says that only one out of every fifteen men has a fear of urinating in public. The rest all work for Burger King.

And, that’s that.

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