*** After watching all three
presidential debates I can honestly say that
I know exactly how the undecided voter feels. It's like trying to
being anally penetrated by a drill or a chisel. Both hurt, and your
just starting no matter which you choose.
*** On the plus side there are third
party candidates running: the
Communist, the Nudist, the Logical Positivist, Nader, Buchanan, Browne,
others. In fact, there are so many third party candidates running they
should find another term beside "third" party candidates. Maybe
"media excluded" is a more accurate term, but I prefer the
Not-Bush-Or- Gore party candidates.
*** This year I'm voting for Pat
Paulsen again. I know he's dead,
but that just indicates how little damage he could do once elected.
still smarter than Bush, less stiff than Gore, and if he should run
into the ground it will only be six feet down.
*** Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan
died this past week. He's best
remembered nationally for that moment of silence they gave him during
*** Al Gore told Regis Philbin this
past week that he can hypnotize a
chicken. What Regis had asked was, "How many Olsen twins are there?"
Al Gore left without winning a dime.
*** It's a subway series as the Yanks
battle the Mets for the
championship. I won't be going. What, and have to sit next to some kid
purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who
out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year old mom
kids. And everywhere surrounded by foreigners. I'm not a very big fan
foreigners. It'll be like Beirut.
*** SAG wants to throw Elizabeth
Hurley out of the union for crossing the
picket line to do her Estee Lauder ads. This could effectively end her
Hey, once Elizabeth Hurley starts to SAG her career will be over. Just
*** A man with an assault rifle is
being blamed for ruining a
screening of "The Ladies' Man" in Mtn. View, California. Who ruined
the screening I saw? I think it was the cast, the crew, and the
writers. I don't
think they could have made a worse movie if they based it on that CBS
called "Ladies' Man".
*** It Makes Me Ill and Tears Up My
Heart to report this, but a Tennessee
teens plans to kill the members of 'N sync are Bye, Bye, Bye. His
his plans for "Operation Death Strike" while folding his Backstreet
Boy underoos. The folder contained elaborate details on his plot to
boy band at an upcoming concert. "I Thought She Knew", was the
surprised teens response. When reached for a response, Lance Bass (the
one), said, "I Drive Myself Crazy. What's his excuse?"
*** According to tests done on
remaining samples of his hair, Beethoven
suffered from lead poisoning. I think that makes him the first "heavy
*** John Travolta says that there will
definitely be a sequel to
"Battlefield Earth", he just has to work it into his schedule. He
plans to begin work on the project right after sequels to "Moment by
Moment", "Two Of A Kind", "Perfect", and "The
*** Did you hear about that German
woman who flushed her newborn down the
toilet? She's already apologizing. She said, "I didn't mean to flush
little shit down the toilet, I meant to throw him in a dumpster." It's
much of an apology, but she is German, so what did you expect?
*** Famous Onanist George Michael paid
2.1 million dollars for John
Lennon's piano. I just want to know how he plans to masturbate with
that. Do you
think he might have been confused and thought he was buying Lennon's
*** Don Henley is being sued. A woman
fan claims that he hit her on the
head with a maraca during a recent concert. She's claiming brain
sure sounds like a pre-existing condition to me. After all, she was at
*** Vincent Canby is dead. Can't be!
That's his ending? How anticlimactic
can you get?
*** At least one five-legged frog has
been spotted in Buffalo, NY. It was
probably just Kermit with a hard-on. There's no need to panic.
*** Three Scottsville, NY Burger King
employees were arrested for peeing,
spitting, and putting cleaning products on the hamburgers they were
Apparently, they had ran out of special sauce and this was the closest
substitute they could come up with. Outside of the vomiting, no one
*** Urine on hamburgers?! That's the
#1 reason I don't eat at Burger
*** Lastly, a new study says that only
one out of every fifteen men has a
fear of urinating in public. The rest all work for Burger King.
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