*** DON'T FORGET: This Saturday is
"Wacky Clock Day", and don't
make the same mistake I've been making for years. When they say it's
to change your clock", don't rush out and buy a new clock. You can just
reset the time on your old clock. Just a tip.
*** This year for Halloween I will be
giving out candied apples with three
razor blades in them. For a cleaner, closer shave.
*** Believe it or not, one of the most
popular costumes this Halloween
will be Regis Philbin. Hey, kids, don't do it! Not unless you want to
starring in "Who Wants To Get Their Ass Kicked After School?"
*** Just a side note: The Independent
Film Channel will be running
"Scary Shorts" throughout the rest of October. Not that I'm all that
proud of it, but it's the heart-warming story of me and my underwear.
*** The Commercial Actors strike is
over. Now we can finally get rid of
all those ads starring those scabs Al Gore and George W. Bush and get
watching people with bad breath, diarrhea, and occasional irregularity.
difference. (By the way, isn't "occasional irregularity" an oxymoron?
How can you be "occasionally" irregular? My mom never bought me
"occasionally" irregular shirts. It had three arm holes when she
bought it and it always had three arm-holes.)
*** There's now a tough new national
standard for drunk driving: .08 blood
alcohol level. "Point Zero Eight!!" How the hell am I supposed to
drive home from work? I need at least "Point One Zero" just to get
through the day.
*** Lauren Hutton, former
actress/model and now motorcycle museum
publicist, was injured while riding a motorcycle around Nevada with
Hopper. It could have been worse. Remember what happened when Dennis
riding with Peter Fonda?
*** Kate Hudson said in a recent
interview that she is a nudist. And so is
her mom. I guess there really are people who should live in glass
*** Anne Heche has joined the cast of
"Ally McBeal", following
closely on the heels of fellow tabloid regular Robert Downey, Jr. This
trend that can only culminate in a season-ending re-trial of O.J.
*** Cybill Shepherd said that her
sexual fantasy is to "be naked,
wrapped in cellophane and hanging upside down in front a building in
L.A. while Bruce Willis feeds me chocolate cake." Change the building
L.A. to one in N.Y., change the feeding me chocolate cake to whipping
me with a
bicycle chain, and change Bruce Willis to Carrot Top and you've got my
down to the letter.
*** Uncle Herbie's Video Rental Tip:
"The Flinstones in Viva Rock
Vegas" is now available for rental. Do yourself a favor and
*** According to an MTV poll, 25 % of
18 to 24 year olds can't name both
presidential candidates. I take issue with this survey. First, are
two candidates running? And, secondly, in my own independent survey,
95% of 18
to 24 year old guys said they were "Pro-Bush", and 90% of chicks said
they were "Pro-Dick". So, it looks like it might be a Republican
landslide after all.
*** Dick Van Dyke has once again
announced plans to retire. He said he
would very much like to bow out gracefully like Johnny Carson. If he
"bow out gracefully", he'd better find a time machine and set it for
"1965". What a Dick!
*** Did you hear about that Granny who
was arrested for running a
pick-pocket ring from her wheelchair? She's now suing because most
pants weren't wheelchair accessible.
*** What the fuck is up with Disney?
Every DVD I buy from them has either
nudity or swearing in it. If I want to teach my kids to swear (and I
swear at them myself. Thanks for the help, but no thanks.
*** Serial killer Robert L. Yates was
sentenced to 408 years in prison for
killing 13 people. I tell you that number "13" is one unlucky number.
He might not even have been caught if he stopped at twelve. Well, at
be eligible for parole in 300 years, and with good behavior he could be
few years sooner.
*** Sony Play Station 2 was just
released and they say the demand is so
high that there won't be enough to go around. At least that's what I'm
kids. $300 for a goddamn toy?! You've gotta be nuts!
*** Microsoft was hacked and
code was stolen for many in-development
programs. These include: "Microsoft Hard Drive Filler 2003",
"Microsoft Upgrade 2003", and "Microsoft Bugs-A-Plenty
*** Janet Reno is urging Congress to
pass a federal Hate Crimes Law. I
hate Janet Reno! Why should that be a crime?
*** Mad Cow Disease was spread
throughout Tulane University Hospital in
Tulsa. They are blaming the incident on tainted instruments: Kenny G's
saxophone, John Tesh's piano, and that John Lennon piano that George
*** Oh, yeah, and New York won the
World Series. Congratulations to all
the brave fans who managed to live through this without getting stabbed.
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