*** This year for Halloween I will be giving out candied apples with three razor blades in them. For a cleaner, closer shave.

*** Believe it or not, one of the most popular costumes this Halloween will be Regis Philbin. Hey, kids, don't do it! Not unless you want to be starring in "Who Wants To Get Their Ass Kicked After School?"

*** Just a side note: The Independent Film Channel will be running "Scary Shorts" throughout the rest of October. Not that I'm all that proud of it, but it's the heart-warming story of me and my underwear.

*** The Commercial Actors strike is over. Now we can finally get rid of all those ads starring those scabs Al Gore and George W. Bush and get back to watching people with bad breath, diarrhea, and occasional irregularity. So, no difference. (By the way, isn't "occasional irregularity" an oxymoron? How can you be "occasionally" irregular? My mom never bought me "occasionally" irregular shirts. It had three arm holes when she bought it and it always had three arm-holes.)

*** There's now a tough new national standard for drunk driving: .08 blood alcohol level. "Point Zero Eight!!" How the hell am I supposed to drive home from work? I need at least "Point One Zero" just to get through the day.

*** Lauren Hutton, former actress/model and now motorcycle museum publicist, was injured while riding a motorcycle around Nevada with Dennis Hopper. It could have been worse. Remember what happened when Dennis Hopper was riding with Peter Fonda?

*** Kate Hudson said in a recent interview that she is a nudist. And so is her mom. I guess there really are people who should live in glass houses.

*** Anne Heche has joined the cast of "Ally McBeal", following closely on the heels of fellow tabloid regular Robert Downey, Jr. This is a trend that can only culminate in a season-ending re-trial of O.J.

*** Cybill Shepherd said that her sexual fantasy is to "be naked, wrapped in cellophane and hanging upside down in front a building in downtown L.A. while Bruce Willis feeds me chocolate cake." Change the building in L.A. to one in N.Y., change the feeding me chocolate cake to whipping me with a bicycle chain, and change Bruce Willis to Carrot Top and you've got my fantasy down to the letter. 

*** Uncle Herbie's Video Rental Tip: "The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas" is now available for rental. Do yourself a favor and "Yabba-Dabba- Don't!"

*** According to an MTV poll, 25 % of 18 to 24 year olds can't name both presidential candidates. I take issue with this survey. First, are there only two candidates running? And, secondly, in my own independent survey, 95% of 18 to 24 year old guys said they were "Pro-Bush", and 90% of chicks said they were "Pro-Dick". So, it looks like it might be a Republican landslide after all.

*** Dick Van Dyke has once again announced plans to retire. He said he would very much like to bow out gracefully like Johnny Carson. If he wants to "bow out gracefully", he'd better find a time machine and set it for "1965". What a Dick!

*** Did you hear about that Granny who was arrested for running a pick-pocket ring from her wheelchair? She's now suing because most people's pants weren't wheelchair accessible.

*** What the fuck is up with Disney? Every DVD I buy from them has either nudity or swearing in it. If I want to teach my kids to swear (and I do), I'll swear at them myself. Thanks for the help, but no thanks.

*** Serial killer Robert L. Yates was sentenced to 408 years in prison for killing 13 people. I tell you that number "13" is one unlucky number. He might not even have been caught if he stopped at twelve. Well, at least he'll be eligible for parole in 300 years, and with good behavior he could be out a few years sooner.

*** Sony Play Station 2 was just released and they say the demand is so high that there won't be enough to go around. At least that's what I'm telling my kids. $300 for a goddamn toy?! You've gotta be nuts!

 *** Microsoft was hacked and code was stolen for many in-development programs. These include: "Microsoft Hard Drive Filler 2003", "Microsoft Upgrade 2003", and "Microsoft Bugs-A-Plenty 2003".

*** Janet Reno is urging Congress to pass a federal Hate Crimes Law. I hate Janet Reno! Why should that be a crime?

*** Mad Cow Disease was spread throughout Tulane University Hospital in Tulsa. They are blaming the incident on tainted instruments: Kenny G's saxophone, John Tesh's piano, and that John Lennon piano that George Michael just bought.