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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 10-29-01

*** Does anyone else remember back when postal employees were most likely killed by other postal employees?

*** Now they say that ironing your mail won't kill off any Anthrax. This has got me wondering whether it'll still help when my one-size-fits-all lederhosen arrive wrinkled.

*** Al Gore gave a speech comparing the American democratic system with Napster. I think I get this. Napster was once a great place to get some free music, but now, unless you're searching for bagpipe soloists, there's nothing there for you. Likewise, the American democratic system was once a place where freedom reigned, but now is more determined than ever to keep everyone from hearing "A Horse With No Name" and "Seasons in the Sun". Not a bad thing when you think of it.

*** "Thirteen Ghosts" chase after Shannon Elizabeth in a new movie that opened Friday. Are they telling me there's only thirteen horny ghosts out there?

*** Polly Rowles, better known as Inspector No. 12 for Hanes underwear, died this past week. Gee, I sure hope it had nothing to do with that pair I sent back for re-inspection.

*** Bob Dylan is all set to write a multi-volume auto-biography for Simon & Schuster. Wouldn't one book about his car be enough?

*** Marlon Brando will be teaching a workshop called "Lying for a Living". Who knew the fat one was such an expert on politics?

*** Michael Jordan will be making his debut as a Wizard this Tuesday. Hell, if Shaq can be a genie than Michael should have no problems pulling off this Wizard thing.

*** "K-Pax" starring Kevin Spacey was the top film at the box office. I'd go, but it might be too hard for me to follow. After all, I haven't seen A through J-Pax yet.

*** Sting gave a free concert in New York to help launch Windows XP. What the hell does the XP stand for? I'm thinking it must be "X10 Playground".

*** Halloween's coming up. I just spent the day carving pumpkins with my kid and now I know why they call Michael Jackson "Jacko". It's short for Jack-o-lantern.

*** So the FBI's okay with a guy buying $15,000 worth of candy. So, how come when I buy $600 worth of butter everybody's got a problem with it?

*** Gary Marshall is planning on turning the movie "Pretty Woman" into a Broadway musical. How soon till that hooker gets the hook?

*** Britney Spears has caused a bit of controversy by swearing on her new album. She uses words like "hell" and "damn". Oh, hell, I don't give a damn. Just strip, Britney, okay?

*** I'm reading in the paper how the Spice Girls are now history. Hey, if that's what they're teaching in history classes these days, no wonder kids don't know nothing.

*** NBC has decided to put the show "Inside Schwartz" on hiatus during the November sweeps. Hey, folks, if this great new sitcom ends up cancelled then the terrorists have already won. Start watching now. You'll be thanking me later.

*** I'll tell you who was "On The Line" for that new movie starring the 'N Sync boys. There were about half a dozen teeny boppers, a couple of deaf guys with their seeing eye dogs, Osama Bin Laden and me.

*** Naturally, the guy with the turban sits right down in front of me. It's a good thing I brought my periscope.

*** Only, what kind of movie starts out with a guy making out with his seeing eye dog?

*** What was I expecting? The movie does star Lance B. Ass and Joey Fat One.

*** I usually only use the periscope in the bathroom. I'm very sensitive and I like to know when others are spying on me. Especially when I'm at my most vulnerable: in a fetal position with a spoon wedged between my cheeks.

*** Well, how do you get that last chunk out?

*** Y'know, the worst thing about irritable bowel syndrome isn't the diarrhea. Nor the constipation. It's not even the irritability. No. The worst thing about IBS has got to be the disapproving looks you get from strangers when the stall door doesn't close right.

*** Anyway, you'd be surprised how many people get hit in the head with periscopes while going to movie theater bathrooms. It happens at least once every time I go to the movies.

*** Overall, I'd say: "I laughed. I cried. At least until security threw me out of the bathroom."

*** I'm never going back to that movie theater again. Unless I'm disguised. A beard and a turban shouldn't raise any suspicions, should it?

And, that’s that.

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