*** Does anyone else remember back
when postal employees were most likely killed by other postal employees?
*** Now they say that ironing your
mail won't kill off any Anthrax. This has got me wondering whether
it'll still help when my one-size-fits-all lederhosen arrive wrinkled.
*** Al Gore gave a speech comparing
the American democratic system with Napster. I think I get this.
Napster was once a great place to get some free music, but now, unless
you're searching for bagpipe soloists, there's nothing there for you.
Likewise, the American democratic system was once a place where freedom
reigned, but now is more determined than ever to keep everyone from
hearing "A Horse With No Name" and "Seasons in the Sun". Not a bad
thing when you think of it.
*** "Thirteen Ghosts" chase after
Shannon Elizabeth in a new movie that opened Friday. Are they telling
me there's only thirteen horny ghosts out there?
*** Polly Rowles, better known as
Inspector No. 12 for Hanes underwear, died this past week. Gee, I sure
hope it had nothing to do with that pair I sent back for re-inspection.
*** Bob Dylan is all set to write a
multi-volume auto-biography for Simon & Schuster. Wouldn't one book
about his car be enough?
*** Marlon Brando will be teaching a
workshop called "Lying for a Living". Who knew the fat one was such an
expert on politics?
*** Michael Jordan will be making his
debut as a Wizard this Tuesday. Hell, if Shaq can be a genie than
Michael should have no problems pulling off this Wizard thing.
*** "K-Pax" starring Kevin Spacey was
the top film at the box office. I'd go, but it might be too hard for me
to follow. After all, I haven't seen A through J-Pax yet.
*** Sting gave a free concert in New
York to help launch Windows XP. What the hell does the XP stand for?
I'm thinking it must be "X10 Playground".
*** Halloween's coming up. I just
spent the day carving pumpkins with my kid and now I know why they call
Michael Jackson "Jacko". It's short for Jack-o-lantern.
*** So the FBI's okay with a guy
buying $15,000 worth of candy. So, how come when I buy $600 worth of
butter everybody's got a problem with it?
*** Gary Marshall is planning on
turning the movie "Pretty Woman" into a Broadway musical. How soon till
that hooker gets the hook?
*** Britney Spears has caused a bit of
controversy by swearing on her new album. She uses words like "hell"
and "damn". Oh, hell, I don't give a damn. Just strip, Britney, okay?
*** I'm reading in the paper how the
Spice Girls are now history. Hey, if that's what they're teaching in
history classes these days, no wonder kids don't know nothing.
*** NBC has decided to put the show
"Inside Schwartz" on hiatus during the November sweeps. Hey, folks, if
this great new sitcom ends up cancelled then the terrorists have
already won. Start watching now. You'll be thanking me later.
*** I'll tell you who was "On The
Line" for that new movie starring the 'N Sync boys. There were about
half a dozen teeny boppers, a couple of deaf guys with their seeing eye
dogs, Osama Bin Laden and me.
*** Naturally, the guy with the turban
sits right down in front of me. It's a good thing I brought my
*** Only, what kind of movie starts
out with a guy making out with his seeing eye dog?
*** What was I expecting? The movie
does star Lance B. Ass and Joey Fat One.
*** I usually only use the periscope
in the bathroom. I'm very sensitive and I like to know when others are
spying on me. Especially when I'm at my most vulnerable: in a fetal
position with a spoon wedged between my cheeks.
*** Well, how do you get that last
*** Y'know, the worst thing about
irritable bowel syndrome isn't the diarrhea. Nor the constipation. It's
not even the irritability. No. The worst thing about IBS has got to be
the disapproving looks you get from strangers when the stall door
doesn't close right.
*** Anyway, you'd be surprised how
many people get hit in the head with periscopes while going to movie
theater bathrooms. It happens at least once every time I go to the
*** Overall, I'd say: "I laughed. I
cried. At least until security threw me out of the bathroom."
*** I'm never going back to that movie
theater again. Unless I'm disguised. A beard and a turban shouldn't
raise any suspicions, should it?
You can E-mail
here for more Uncle
Compact Discs anywhere Click Here