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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-03-00

*** Georgie Bush, responding to reports that he got a DUI in 1976, said, "I was so drunk I didn't even know I was driving." He went on to say, "I'm not proud of my arrest." Who the hell would be proud of being arrested? I mean, besides rap stars.

*** Republicans are calling the reports of Bush's DUI "last minute dirty tricks" in the campaign. "How dare they dig into our candidates past and report the truth?" It must be more of that liberal media bias we hear so much about but never see.

*** Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler (motto: "All The News That Fits Between The Porno") claims to have proof that Georgie Bush helped a woman to have an abortion. The Bush campaign responded, "Well, at least he wasn't drunk when he drove her to the clinic." 

*** Democrats have been urging Ralph Nader to drop out of the race because he is taking votes away from Al Gore. When that plan failed they began urging Georgie Bush to drop out for the same reason.

*** Did everyone see that bulge in Al Gore's pants on the cover of Rolling Stone? What do you think--- was it a banana or a cucumber? That can't be real, can it? He could choke an intern with that thing.

*** Bill Clinton said in an interview that the Republicans should apologize for the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Exactly whose penis was he using? I think we should all just put our clothes back on and go home. The orgy's over.

*** The Pope has named Sir Thomas More as the patron saint of politicians. It figures. The greediest segment of the population would have to have someone named "More" looking out for them.

*** Viacom, just a few mergers short of becoming OmniCom, just purchased the BET network and all its subsidiaries for 2.5 billion dollars. I'll BET they lose money on this deal.

*** Steve Allen, silent-screen talk-show host, author of over 40 books nobody's read, and writer of over 4,000 songs nobody's heard, died in his sleep this week. This Could Be The Start Of When We Dig. He was a legendary wit, most noted in his later years for his hilarious tirades against sex and violence in the media. Goodbye friend.

*** With over 4,000 songs to his credit, Steve Allen is listed in the Guinness Book as the world's most prolific songwriter. I figure the only way you can be that prolific is to have no standards. Well, now that he's dead it gives true musical geniuses like Christopher Cross and Mike Post a chance to catch up.

*** I sure hope this "The Legend Of Bagger Vance" movie is a big hit. I can't wait to see "The Legend Of Booger Vance" in Mad Magazine next month.

*** David Duchovny is leaving the X-Files. He wants to have more time for his first love --- introducing Red Shoe Diaries episodes. Hasn't  this guy ever heard of Shelly Long and David Caruso? Well, of course not lately, but that's just my point.

*** Is Brad Pitt REALLY the Sexiest Man Alive? I guess that all depends on how you define "sexiest". If by "sexiest" you mean short, balding, and flatulent then I've got him beat by a mile, at least. Okay, so maybe it depends on how you define "man". If by "man" you mean short, balding and flatulent --- again, I win. Maybe it's the "alive" part of the equation. If by "alive" you mean having a pulse that registers --- well, there you go, Brad Pitt wins.

*** McG, the director of the new "Charlie's Angels" movie, so impressed Hollywood that he just signed a 2.5 million dollar contract. Hey, McG! Now that you've got all that money why don't you buy a vowel?

*** Kathie Lee Gifford has been banned from advertising for her new CD on her old show "Live". Now, I like Kathie Lee as much as the next guy (okay, the next "straight" guy), but couldn't they also have banned her from singing on the Letterman show?

*** Will, the gay character on "Will and Grace" will finally start dating this season. It's about time. I was beginning to think "gay" stood for "Getting Any Yet?"

*** Richard Gere says, "I will never understand women." You know something, I'll never understand that story about the gerbil. Do you de-claw it? Have its teeth removed, at least? What? I'm just asking.

*** Really, I'm just asking.

*** Okay, TV fans, set your VCRs now. "The Growing Pains Movie" makes its TV debut this Sunday. (How did I miss its theatrical run?) All your favorites will be back: Alan Thicke, Kirk Cameron, the wife, the daughter, the other kid. I just hope they remembered the laugh track, so at least I'll know when to laugh. Sometimes humor this sophisticated makes me feel stupid. Real stupid. 

*** Lastly, according to a new poll, 79% of Americans say that society is becoming less polite. Hey, Fuck You! I haven't even met 79% of Americans!

And, that’s that.

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