*** Georgie Bush, responding to
reports that he got a DUI in 1976, said,
"I was so drunk I didn't even know I was driving." He went on to say,
"I'm not proud of my arrest." Who the hell would be proud of being
arrested? I mean, besides rap stars.
*** Republicans are calling the
reports of Bush's DUI "last minute
dirty tricks" in the campaign. "How dare they dig into our candidates
past and report the truth?" It must be more of that liberal media bias
hear so much about but never see.
*** Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler
(motto: "All The News That Fits
Between The Porno") claims to have proof that Georgie Bush helped a
to have an abortion. The Bush campaign responded, "Well, at least he
drunk when he drove her to the clinic."
*** Democrats have been urging Ralph
Nader to drop out of the race because
he is taking votes away from Al Gore. When that plan failed they began
Georgie Bush to drop out for the same reason.
*** Did everyone see that bulge in Al
Gore's pants on the cover of Rolling
Stone? What do you think--- was it a banana or a cucumber? That can't
can it? He could choke an intern with that thing.
*** Bill Clinton said in an interview
that the Republicans should
apologize for the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Exactly whose penis was he
think we should all just put our clothes back on and go home. The
*** The Pope has named Sir Thomas More
as the patron saint of politicians.
It figures. The greediest segment of the population would have to have
named "More" looking out for them.
*** Viacom, just a few mergers short
of becoming OmniCom, just purchased
the BET network and all its subsidiaries for 2.5 billion dollars. I'll
lose money on this deal.
*** Steve Allen, silent-screen
talk-show host, author of over 40 books
nobody's read, and writer of over 4,000 songs nobody's heard, died in
this week. This Could Be The Start Of When We Dig. He was a legendary
noted in his later years for his hilarious tirades against sex and
the media. Goodbye friend.
*** With over 4,000 songs to his
credit, Steve Allen is listed in the
Guinness Book as the world's most prolific songwriter. I figure the
only way you
can be that prolific is to have no standards. Well, now that he's dead
true musical geniuses like Christopher Cross and Mike Post a chance to
*** I sure hope this "The Legend Of
Bagger Vance" movie is a big
hit. I can't wait to see "The Legend Of Booger Vance" in Mad Magazine
*** David Duchovny is leaving the
X-Files. He wants to have more time for
his first love --- introducing Red Shoe Diaries episodes. Hasn't
ever heard of Shelly Long and David Caruso? Well, of course not lately,
that's just my point.
*** Is Brad Pitt REALLY the Sexiest
Man Alive? I guess that all depends on
how you define "sexiest". If by "sexiest" you mean short,
balding, and flatulent then I've got him beat by a mile, at least.
maybe it depends on how you define "man". If by "man" you
mean short, balding and flatulent --- again, I win. Maybe it's the
"alive" part of the equation. If by "alive" you mean having
a pulse that registers --- well, there you go, Brad Pitt wins.
*** McG, the director of the new
"Charlie's Angels" movie, so
impressed Hollywood that he just signed a 2.5 million dollar contract.
Now that you've got all that money why don't you buy a vowel?
*** Kathie Lee Gifford has been banned
from advertising for her new CD on
her old show "Live". Now, I like Kathie Lee as much as the next guy
(okay, the next "straight" guy), but couldn't they also have banned
her from singing on the Letterman show?
*** Will, the gay character on "Will
and Grace" will finally
start dating this season. It's about time. I was beginning to think
"gay" stood for "Getting Any Yet?"
*** Richard Gere says, "I will never
understand women." You know
something, I'll never understand that story about the gerbil. Do you
Have its teeth removed, at least? What? I'm just asking.
*** Really, I'm just asking.
*** Okay, TV fans, set your VCRs now.
"The Growing Pains Movie"
makes its TV debut this Sunday. (How did I miss its theatrical run?)
favorites will be back: Alan Thicke, Kirk Cameron, the wife, the
other kid. I just hope they remembered the laugh track, so at least
when to laugh. Sometimes humor this sophisticated makes me feel stupid.
*** Lastly, according to a new poll,
79% of Americans say that society is
becoming less polite. Hey, Fuck You! I haven't even met 79% of
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