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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-05-01

*** Is everyone still on high alert? Explain this to me. How can anyone be both high and alert?

*** Now that they've finally given out the Emmys we can all get back to our normal lives. So, when is that Country Music Awards show on?

*** A lot of winners weren't on hand to accept their Emmys. It kinda balanced out because a lot of viewers weren't on hand to not see them.

*** Can we really say things have gotten back to normality when David Hyde Pierce goes home Emmy-less?

*** Attorney General John Ashcroft has announced that the U.S. plans to "Beef up security at Borders." All this talk about getting back to normal and now they wanna stop me from shoplifting books.

*** The Coen Brothers have a new movie in theaters, "The Man Who Wasn't There." Or as it's also known "The Dick Cheney Story".

*** I'll bet Dick Cheney's off somewhere being cloned for spare parts.

*** It's Election Day tomorrow with a lot of local seats up for grabs. So don't blame me if I accidentally goose you.

*** Good news guys. They'll be some titty in the next James Bond movie. Not just the teasing-as-usual, but the real thing. Well, as real as they can find among actresses.

*** This Jonathan Franzen is quite a character. First, he turns down Oprah's book club. Then he insults people during a reading at a chain bookstore. Sounds like his follow-up to "The Corrections" is "The Screw-Ups".

*** It looks like that "Monsters, Inc." IPO is gonna go through the roof.

*** So, let me get this straight, monsters hide in the closet because they're afraid of children, right? Not because they're gay?

*** John Edwards taped some shows in which he tried to contact World Trade Center victims. This is what I'd call "Crossing Over" into bad taste. Stick to your own field, Slick.

*** Will Smith told Playboy magazine that he can't wait till Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks are only offered movies after he turns them down. Who does he think were second and third choice to play Muhammad Ali?

*** Will Smith also said, "I know that making movies and music and entertainment is just a pit stop on the way to my true greatness." This can only mean one thing: a "Fresh Prince" TV reunion.

*** People magazine featured an issue devoted to Madonna's men last week. They call it a magazine, but some people still like to think of it as the phone book.

*** Way back in 1991, Madonna tried to put the moves on Michael Jackson but he just kept giggling. Well, of course. He'd never seen someone with such a tiny penis before. Also, she was facing the wrong way.

*** Speaking of Jacko, he has a new album out. Someone told me it was called "In Vince Abel". Only one question here, how old is Vince Abel? If he's old enough to pitch Little League then it's legal, right?

*** The remains of the Boston Strangler were exhumed for testing that could clear his name. Why? He's called the Boston Strangler for a reason. What else could he have been up to? Are they thinking maybe there was a headline typo and he was just the Boston Stranger?

*** Guess who makes his acting debut in the new movie "Shallow Hal"? None other than self-help guru Tony Robbins. If nothing else he'll at least get a new book out of this experience: "Awaken the Giant Bad Actor Within".

*** This Harry Potter movie has clocked in at over two and half hours. Christ, this sucks. Now I have to spend all day with the kids.

*** Gordon Lightfoot's name has been added to the Canadian Broadcast Hall of Fame. Good thing it's just his name and not his music.

*** Paula Jones got married last week. Right after the wedding night she hired a lawyer to sue her new husband for sexual harassment.

*** Ted Turner has created an "end of the world" video to be run at the end of the world. I wonder if it ends with "This WAS CNN."

*** If I ever see that "end of the world" video, it'll be the last reality TV show I ever watch. 

*** A Michigan teenager was suspended for wearing a vagina costume to a school Halloween party. What a dick!

*** Steven Brummett was so upset over being constipated last week that he got into a ten minute shootout with Illinois police. Local police still doubt the man's motives. Constipated? Yeah, right! That guy is so full of shit.

*** Lastly, the only way the Yankees can come from behind now is to do some gay porn.

And, that’s that.

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