*** What if they held an election and
nobody won? I guess the undecided
voters backed a winner. As of election day our next president is
"undecided". Do you really care, though? I can't see anyone being that
passionate about either one of these dickheads, but then again people
favorite commercials so maybe I'm out of step. I personally hope it
resolved and they follow the presidential line of succession straight
Thurmond. It'd be the closest thing to my dream of one day seeing a
President take office.
*** Speaking of dead people taking
office, the late Mel Carnahan (you can
keep waiting, but he ain't coming) was elected as Senator from
Missouri. I would
have loved to have heard that concession call: "Hi, Mel, don't get up.
put up a rigorous fight and as much as I'd like to worm my way out of
acknowledging it: you won. Congratulations! But life goes on, for
us, and even though you've been stiff and cold lately I've got to admit
you're definitely Presidential material. Good luck and goodbye!"
*** The First Lady (no, not Eve,
Hillary --- although both can give you
chest pains) was elected as Senator from New York. Do you think Bill
it in him to campaign for his Second, Third, and Fourth Lady? Let's
*** So, a bunch of voters in
Flori-Duh! got confused and accidentally
voted for Pat Buchanan. I guess they knew they'd made a mistake when
the lever and heard nothing but flushing.
*** I saw the strangest thing in a
public bathroom the other day. A guy
was giving himself an enema. It's a good thing I was alone and it was
*** Giving yourself an enema sure does
give new meaning to the phrase,
"The Fleet is in!"
*** I saw John Travolta in "Lucky
Numbers" this week. He has got
to be the fattest "leading man" in movie history. I'd say his
"Lucky Number" is 65. That's the number of pounds he's gotta lose if
wants to keep working in anything but "Battfield Earth" movies.
*** Camryn Manheim is pregnant. It's a
good thing they wrote it into the
storyline of "The Practice", I don't know how they could possibly
shoot around that.
*** This Sunday "American Tragedy",
the O.J. Simpson
mini-series, begins its two-day run. It was originally planned to run
days, but due to network time constraints and a coked-up O.J. it was
*** Also on Sunday, "In The Beginning"
begins. It's a bunch of
Bible stories strung together to fill four hours of TV. It's a rather
attempt to counter-program against the O.J. miniseries. It's for people
prefer their fiction just a little more fictional.
*** Adam Sandler is back with another
90 minutes of Hell called,
"Little Nicky". In this one he plays the Devil's retarded son. I
always figured he just had a pact with Satan, turns out he's related.
lot, doesn't it?
*** Garth Brooks and his wife are
divorcing. The trouble all started when
she started spending way too much time with this guy named Chris
*** Freshly divorced Harrison Ford has
denied reports that he's
"romantically involved" with Lara Flynn Boyle. You know, as much as it
pains me to admit it, I've never fucked her either.
*** Martha Stewart, the only woman who
can make Hillary Clinton seem warm
by comparison, has purchased a new 153-acre estate in Westchester
York. Will that be big enough? Or will she be forced to buy another
home for her
*** Britney Spears and her mom are all
set to co-author a book. I'm hoping
it's about her second nipple piercing. They could call it, "Oops --- I
It Again!" or "Baby, One More Time". Whichever. Just lots of
photos this time, okay?
*** In honor of the upcoming
syndicated TV show I just have to ask,
"Who Wants To Date A Hooters Girl?" Not me. At least, not again. Well,
okay, yes, but not until the swelling goes down from the last time.
*** Master P is in so much financial
trouble that he's been forced to
change his name to Master IOU.
*** To honor the wishes of Dr. Seuss'
widow they have cut out all the
bathroom humor from the upcoming "Grinch" movie. As long as they left
in the sex scenes I am there. I am so there. There's nothing more
a Whoville gang bang.
*** Pets.com went bust. No word yet on
whether the Sock Puppet will be put
to sleep, unravelled, or just used for dusting.
*** Darryl Strawberry told an
interviewer that he won't be playing
baseball anymore. He then handed her the Yellow Pages and said, "And
a list of everything else I won't be doing."
*** Paul, George, and Ringo, with no
help from their friend John, have
just started TheBealtes.com. Hoping to cash in on this sure-fire
just started TheBeatles.xz. I figure at least some drunks will find
there and then word-of-mouth is sure to spread like Travolta's
*** Anchorman Bernard Shaw announced
that he will be leaving CNN. He said
he wants to cut down on his workload. Cut down?! What else does this
guy do? He
says that he wants to write some fiction. Uh-oh. You mean he actually
all this stuff he's been telling us all these years. Maybe he should
*** Lastly, rapper Eminem has lost the
notebook that contained all of the
lyrics for his next album. I'd love to help him out. First, some lyrics
just for him: "Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, faggots, everywhere. Suck,
sucking that dick till their mouth's full of pubic hair..." It goes on
on in this classy vein for pages. Secondly, if you or anyone you know
information regarding the whereabouts of these precious lyrical gems,
Eminem personally at: email@example.com
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