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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-10-00

*** What if they held an election and nobody won? I guess the undecided voters backed a winner. As of election day our next president is "undecided". Do you really care, though? I can't see anyone being that passionate about either one of these dickheads, but then again people do have favorite commercials so maybe I'm out of step. I personally hope it never gets resolved and they follow the presidential line of succession straight to Strom Thurmond. It'd be the closest thing to my dream of one day seeing a Dead President take office. 

*** Speaking of dead people taking office, the late Mel Carnahan (you can keep waiting, but he ain't coming) was elected as Senator from Missouri. I would have loved to have heard that concession call: "Hi, Mel, don't get up. You put up a rigorous fight and as much as I'd like to worm my way out of acknowledging it: you won. Congratulations!  But life goes on, for most of us, and even though you've been stiff and cold lately I've got to admit it: you're definitely Presidential material. Good luck and goodbye!"

*** The First Lady (no, not Eve, Hillary --- although both can give you chest pains) was elected as Senator from New York. Do you think Bill Clinton has it in him to campaign for his Second, Third, and Fourth Lady? Let's elect them all!

*** So, a bunch of voters in Flori-Duh! got confused and accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. I guess they knew they'd made a mistake when they pulled the lever and heard nothing but flushing.

*** I saw the strangest thing in a public bathroom the other day. A guy was giving himself an enema. It's a good thing I was alone and it was just my reflection.

*** Giving yourself an enema sure does give new meaning to the phrase, "The Fleet is in!"

*** I saw John Travolta in "Lucky Numbers" this week. He has got to be the fattest "leading man" in movie history. I'd say his "Lucky Number" is 65. That's the number of pounds he's gotta lose if wants to keep working in anything but "Battfield Earth" movies.

*** Camryn Manheim is pregnant. It's a good thing they wrote it into the storyline of "The Practice", I don't know how they could possibly shoot around that.

*** This Sunday "American Tragedy", the O.J. Simpson mini-series, begins its two-day run. It was originally planned to run three days, but due to network time constraints and a coked-up O.J. it was hacked to bits.

*** Also on Sunday, "In The Beginning" begins. It's a bunch of Bible stories strung together to fill four hours of TV. It's a rather desperate attempt to counter-program against the O.J. miniseries. It's for people who prefer their fiction just a little more fictional.

*** Adam Sandler is back with another 90 minutes of Hell called, "Little Nicky". In this one he plays the Devil's retarded son. I always figured he just had a pact with Satan, turns out he's related. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

*** Garth Brooks and his wife are divorcing. The trouble all started when she started spending way too much time with this guy named Chris Gaines. 

*** Freshly divorced Harrison Ford has denied reports that he's "romantically involved" with Lara Flynn Boyle. You know, as much as it pains me to admit it, I've never fucked her either.

*** Martha Stewart, the only woman who can make Hillary Clinton seem warm by comparison, has purchased a new 153-acre estate in Westchester County, New York. Will that be big enough? Or will she be forced to buy another home for her ego?

*** Britney Spears and her mom are all set to co-author a book. I'm hoping it's about her second nipple piercing. They could call it, "Oops --- I Did It Again!" or "Baby, One More Time". Whichever. Just lots of photos this time, okay?

*** In honor of the upcoming syndicated TV show I just have to ask, "Who Wants To Date A Hooters Girl?" Not me. At least, not again. Well, okay, yes, but not until the swelling goes down from the last time.

*** Master P is in so much financial trouble that he's been forced to change his name to Master IOU.

*** To honor the wishes of Dr. Seuss' widow they have cut out all the bathroom humor from the upcoming "Grinch" movie. As long as they left in the sex scenes I am there. I am so there. There's nothing more exciting than a Whoville gang bang.

*** Pets.com went bust. No word yet on whether the Sock Puppet will be put to sleep, unravelled, or just used for dusting.

*** Darryl Strawberry told an interviewer that he won't be playing baseball anymore. He then handed her the Yellow Pages and said, "And here's a list of everything else I won't be doing."

*** Paul, George, and Ringo, with no help from their friend John, have just started TheBealtes.com. Hoping to cash in on this sure-fire moneymaker, I just started TheBeatles.xz. I figure at least some drunks will find there way there and then word-of-mouth is sure to spread like Travolta's waist-line. Ka-ching.

*** Anchorman Bernard Shaw announced that he will be leaving CNN. He said he wants to cut down on his workload. Cut down?! What else does this guy do? He says that he wants to write some fiction. Uh-oh. You mean he actually believes all this stuff he's been telling us all these years. Maybe he should retire.

*** Lastly, rapper Eminem has lost the notebook that contained all of the lyrics for his next album. I'd love to help him out. First, some lyrics I wrote just for him: "Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, faggots, everywhere. Suck, suck, sucking that dick till their mouth's full of pubic hair..." It goes on and on in this classy vein for pages. Secondly, if you or anyone you know has information regarding the whereabouts of these precious lyrical gems, contact Eminem personally at: adolph@hitler.com

And, that’s that.

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