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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-10-01

*** If Osama Bin Laden really wants nuclear weapons, don't we have a few spare ones we can send his way?

*** Now the media keeps telling us we should all be frightened of small pox. Are they just trying to scare me shitless? Well, I've got news for them: I haven't had a satisfying dump since the Reagan administration, so you can stop already.

*** If American leaders are going to swallow every bit of "credible" evidence out there, then maybe they shouldn't go on the Internet.

*** Boy how time flies. It's been exactly one year since George W. Bush wasn't elected. Does anyone else remember how stupid he used to be? We'll be back to our normal lives when everyone else remembers too.

*** George W. Bush addressed the nation on Thursday night and only ABC network aired it. Thus kicking off the new ABC slogan: "Must-See-What-Else-Is-On-TV".

*** Attorney General John Ashcroft is going after suicide doctors. I'm with him there. Suicide doctors do nothing but take away people's God-given right to a slow, painful and expensive death.

*** The Fed cut interest rates another half-point this week. When they start handing out free cash with every loan, that's when I'll borrow again. No sooner.

*** Dennis Rodman is buying a restaurant in Orange County, CA. I'd never eat at a restaurant owned by Dennis Rodman. There's always the off-chance he may have touched the food. Or worse, pierced it.

*** Bill Clinton is looking for new interns. Intern duties would include answering the phone, giving blow jobs, light computer work, giving blow jobs, keeping track of the calendar, and giving blow jobs. Flexibility a plus.

*** Clinton will also be making his TV acting debut on the show "CSI". This can only be considered his acting "debut" if you disregard his presidency.

*** I always thought "CSI" meant "Crime Scene Investigation" not "Clinton Stains Intern".

*** Clinton also made news saying he is better trained to handle the current terrorist attacks than George W. Bush. That's like saying Larry was a better carpenter than Curly.

*** Geraldo Rivera is going to Afghanistan. How soon till they retaliate for this?

*** Major League Baseball is considering "contraction". "You are out of here" to be replaced by "You're outta here!"

*** With all this talk of heightened security at airports I'm seriously considering taking a trip just for the strip search.

*** Walt Disney World laid off more than 100 people who work on the rides. If you think the lines are long at Disney World just check out the unemployment office.

*** Melissa Gilbert beat out Valerie Harper to become the new SAG president. You'd think two working actresses would do all they could to keep anyone from using the word SAG when describing them.

*** Arthur C. Clarke won't be on hand for the annual Arthur C. Clarke awards in Los Angeles. That's too bad. I hear he's a shoe-in to win.

*** O. J. Simpson's mother died. He claims he was out golfing at the time.

*** A new Mayo Clinic study reports that a double mastectomy can reduce breast cancer rate to near zero. Maybe I'm just a big old dumb-ass here, but if you don't have breasts anymore wouldn't that reduce your breast cancer risk to zero and not "near" zero? I mean, if you don't have teeth you can't have cavities, right? If you don't have hands you can't have broken fingers? But if you don't have brains you can probably still work on studies for the Mayo Clinic.

*** Malaysian men use more Viagra than anyone anywhere else. Now that's gotta be a hard statistic to keep up.

*** Jason Biggs and Alicia Silverstone are all set to star in a Broadway version of "The Graduate". Mrs. Robinson will be played by a Danish.

*** More than 80% of women surveyed say they feel their excess weight was damaging their health, holding back their careers, and ruining their sex lives. You know your sex life is ruined when only Jack Black finds you sexy and he has to be hypnotized first.

*** Regis Philbin did a segment of his talk show with his fly down. I just hope that's not the prototype for the "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" home game.

*** According to a German study gay, straight and lesbian couples fight about the same things: money, housework, and who left the dildo on the kitchen table again?

*** Some of Jack Nicholson's teeth are being auctioned off on British TV. They'll probably only fetch about a dollar each. After all, they are buck teeth.

And, that’s that.

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