*** If Osama Bin Laden really wants
nuclear weapons, don't we have a few spare ones we can send his way?
*** Now the media keeps telling us we
should all be frightened of small pox. Are they just trying to scare me
shitless? Well, I've got news for them: I haven't had a satisfying dump
since the Reagan administration, so you can stop already.
*** If American leaders are going to
swallow every bit of "credible" evidence out there, then maybe they
shouldn't go on the Internet.
*** Boy how time flies. It's been
exactly one year since George W. Bush wasn't elected. Does anyone else
remember how stupid he used to be? We'll be back to our normal lives
when everyone else remembers too.
*** George W. Bush addressed the
nation on Thursday night and only ABC network aired it. Thus kicking
off the new ABC slogan: "Must-See-What-Else-Is-On-TV".
*** Attorney General John Ashcroft is
going after suicide doctors. I'm with him there. Suicide doctors do
nothing but take away people's God-given right to a slow, painful and
*** The Fed cut interest rates another
half-point this week. When they start handing out free cash with every
loan, that's when I'll borrow again. No sooner.
*** Dennis Rodman is buying a
restaurant in Orange County, CA. I'd never eat at a restaurant owned by
Dennis Rodman. There's always the off-chance he may have touched the
food. Or worse, pierced it.
*** Bill Clinton is looking for new
interns. Intern duties would include answering the phone, giving blow
jobs, light computer work, giving blow jobs, keeping track of the
calendar, and giving blow jobs. Flexibility a plus.
*** Clinton will also be making his TV
acting debut on the show "CSI". This can only be considered his acting
"debut" if you disregard his presidency.
*** I always thought "CSI" meant
"Crime Scene Investigation" not "Clinton Stains Intern".
*** Clinton also made news saying he
is better trained to handle the current terrorist attacks than George
W. Bush. That's like saying Larry was a better carpenter than Curly.
*** Geraldo Rivera is going to
Afghanistan. How soon till they retaliate for this?
*** Major League Baseball is
considering "contraction". "You are out of here" to be replaced by
"You're outta here!"
*** With all this talk of heightened
security at airports I'm seriously considering taking a trip just for
the strip search.
*** Walt Disney World laid off more
than 100 people who work on the rides. If you think the lines are long
at Disney World just check out the unemployment office.
*** Melissa Gilbert beat out Valerie
Harper to become the new SAG president. You'd think two working
actresses would do all they could to keep anyone from using the word
SAG when describing them.
*** Arthur C. Clarke won't be on hand
for the annual Arthur C. Clarke awards in Los Angeles. That's too bad.
I hear he's a shoe-in to win.
*** O. J. Simpson's mother died. He
claims he was out golfing at the time.
*** A new Mayo Clinic study reports
that a double mastectomy can reduce breast cancer rate to near zero.
Maybe I'm just a big old dumb-ass here, but if you don't have breasts
anymore wouldn't that reduce your breast cancer risk to zero and not
"near" zero? I mean, if you don't have teeth you can't have cavities,
right? If you don't have hands you can't have broken fingers? But if
you don't have brains you can probably still work on studies for the
*** Malaysian men use more Viagra than
anyone anywhere else. Now that's gotta be a hard statistic to keep up.
*** Jason Biggs and Alicia Silverstone
are all set to star in a Broadway version of "The Graduate". Mrs.
Robinson will be played by a Danish.
*** More than 80% of women surveyed
say they feel their excess weight was damaging their health, holding
back their careers, and ruining their sex lives. You know your sex life
is ruined when only Jack Black finds you sexy and he has to be
*** Regis Philbin did a segment of his
talk show with his fly down. I just hope that's not the prototype for
the "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" home game.
*** According to a German study gay,
straight and lesbian couples fight about the same things: money,
housework, and who left the dildo on the kitchen table again?
*** Some of Jack Nicholson's teeth are
being auctioned off on British TV. They'll probably only fetch about a
dollar each. After all, they are buck teeth.
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