*** Can the movie really be as good as the book? Only if it can replace my missing couch leg.

*** Roger Ebert called this movie "The Wizard Of Oz" of its time. I think Roger better follow the yellow brick road and find out if the wizard has any brains left.

*** How could they hire Chris Columbus to direct this? If he discovered in America in 1492 wouldn't he be dead by now?

*** I can remember back when a Muggle was a midget mugger.

*** The merchandising on this movie is getting out of hand. How soon till we see the "Harry Potty"? Well, why not? If you're flushing your money away anyway.

*** The FBI has profiled the anthrax letter writer. They say he's a male loner who may have displayed a passive disinterest in events which have captivated the nation. Hey, just because I'm not going to "Harry Potter" doesn't make me the guy. Okay?

*** The Taliban fled Kabul, Afghanistan this week. Which can only mean one thing. That's the first stop on Wayne Newton's U.S.O. tour.

*** 98-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond has moved into Walter Reed Army Medical Center. He's not ill and will continue to work, his interpreter told reporters. If he's just trying to save time till the inevitable happens, why doesn't he just move into a graveyard?

*** The latest fashion trend seems to be "bulging" jeans for men. Wearing the same pair of adult diapers under your regular jeans for several days should take care of any bulging you might want. Plus, think of the money you'll save.

*** Novelist and Acid Head Ken Kesey dies this week, just days after undergoing liver surgery. Thus making this a Liver Surgery Death.

*** Gwyneth Paltrow is "upset" and "mortified" that naked pictures she posed for ended up in Harper's Bazaar magazine. What an ass!

*** Scientists in Stockholm, Sweden say that if you're depressed you should eat some sushi. Outside of the puking, exactly how would that improve my outlook?

*** In other food news, a new study has declared spinach to be a top brain food. Unless you smoke it through a corn cob pipe. Then it's an arm food.

*** Kung Fu legend Bruce Lee will be the first dead actor to be digitally recreated for a full length movie. Merchant and Ivory will produce and direct.

*** Did you hear about the guy who arrived at the Miami airport with 44 birds in his pants? It actually turned out to be a miscount. He only had 43 birds  in his pants. The other turned out to be just his pee cock.

*** A "Beverly Hills 90210" reunion movie is in the works. All the original cast members are expected to return, with the exception of Shannen Doherty. She's expected to be in rehab at the time.

*** "60 Minutes" is cutting its staff. Which makes me wonder where Andy Rooney's eyebrow wrangler's gonna find another job.

*** MTV cut 450 jobs. And that's just the people who put all that make-up on Christina Aguilera.

*** Pierce Brosnan is People's Sexiest Man Alive. I really thought I had a shot this year. What with JFK, Jr. still dead and all.

*** Jonathan Franzen's novel "The Corrections" has won the National Book Award. This apparently has made him quite uncomfortable and he doesn't want it mentioned on the dust jacket of his book.

*** After spending millions of dollars and going through more than half a dozen writers, Columbia Pictures is still struggling to find a workable script for "Jumanji 2". Why bother? They didn't need one for the first movie.

*** Tiger Woods is at the top of the best-seller lists with his book "How I Play Golf". Proving that when an acknowledged master writes a "How To" book it sells big time. So far I can't get anyone interested in my book, "How I Play With Myself".

*** The game show "Jeopardy" is doubling the dollar amounts on its question-and-answer board. What is still not worth embarrassing myself on TV for?