*** Y'know, you can't spell "Harry
Potter" without "H.Y.P.E.".
*** Can the movie really be as good as
the book? Only if it can replace my missing couch leg.
*** Roger Ebert called this movie "The
Wizard Of Oz" of its time. I think Roger better follow the yellow brick
road and find out if the wizard has any brains left.
*** How could they hire Chris Columbus
to direct this? If he discovered in America in 1492 wouldn't he be dead
*** I can remember back when a Muggle
was a midget mugger.
*** The merchandising on this movie is
getting out of hand. How soon till we see the "Harry Potty"? Well, why
not? If you're flushing your money away anyway.
*** The FBI has profiled the anthrax
letter writer. They say he's a male loner who may have displayed a
passive disinterest in events which have captivated the nation. Hey,
just because I'm not going to "Harry Potter" doesn't make me the guy.
*** The Taliban fled Kabul,
Afghanistan this week. Which can only mean one thing. That's the first
stop on Wayne Newton's U.S.O. tour.
*** 98-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond
has moved into Walter Reed Army Medical Center. He's not ill and will
continue to work, his interpreter told reporters. If he's just trying
to save time till the inevitable happens, why doesn't he just move into
*** The latest fashion trend seems to
be "bulging" jeans for men. Wearing the same pair of adult diapers
under your regular jeans for several days should take care of any
bulging you might want. Plus, think of the money you'll save.
*** Novelist and Acid Head Ken Kesey
dies this week, just days after undergoing liver surgery. Thus making
this a Liver Surgery Death.
*** Gwyneth Paltrow is "upset" and
"mortified" that naked pictures she posed for ended up in Harper's
Bazaar magazine. What an ass!
*** Scientists in Stockholm, Sweden
say that if you're depressed you should eat some sushi. Outside of the
puking, exactly how would that improve my outlook?
*** In other food news, a new study
has declared spinach to be a top brain food. Unless you smoke it
through a corn cob pipe. Then it's an arm food.
*** Kung Fu legend Bruce Lee will be
the first dead actor to be digitally recreated for a full length movie.
Merchant and Ivory will produce and direct.
*** Did you hear about the guy who
arrived at the Miami airport with 44 birds in his pants? It actually
turned out to be a miscount. He only had 43 birds in his pants.
The other turned out to be just his pee cock.
*** A "Beverly Hills 90210" reunion
movie is in the works. All the original cast members are expected to
return, with the exception of Shannen Doherty. She's expected to be in
rehab at the time.
*** "60 Minutes" is cutting its staff.
Which makes me wonder where Andy Rooney's eyebrow wrangler's gonna find
*** MTV cut 450 jobs. And that's just
the people who put all that make-up on Christina Aguilera.
*** Pierce Brosnan is People's Sexiest
Man Alive. I really thought I had a shot this year. What with JFK, Jr.
still dead and all.
*** Jonathan Franzen's novel "The
Corrections" has won the National Book Award. This apparently has made
him quite uncomfortable and he doesn't want it mentioned on the dust
jacket of his book.
*** After spending millions of dollars
and going through more than half a dozen writers, Columbia Pictures is
still struggling to find a workable script for "Jumanji 2". Why bother?
They didn't need one for the first movie.
*** Tiger Woods is at the top of the
best-seller lists with his book "How I Play Golf". Proving that when an
acknowledged master writes a "How To" book it sells big time. So far I
can't get anyone interested in my book, "How I Play With Myself".
*** The game show "Jeopardy" is
doubling the dollar amounts on its question-and-answer board. What is
still not worth embarrassing myself on TV for?
*** Einstein's brain is markedly
different from that of the norm, says a California researcher. Well,
duh! Most people's brains haven't been in a jar since 1955. What a
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