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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-17-00

*** Everyone's talking about the "hanging, dimpled Chad" this week. Look, I took those photos of Chad Lowe a long time ago, before he married that guy who won the Oscar. It was a youthful indiscretion on both our parts. I regret it, now let's move on.

*** I'll tell you why Lex Luthor would be a better president than Georgie Bush. He's been able to thrive in a world where his main opposition is Superman. Look who's opposing Bush. Also, Luthor was a "successful" businessman before seeking office. 

*** Good move re-painting the White House with lead paint, Lex. It's 200 years old, long overdue for a re-painting.

*** Stop with all the hand counts already! Just count the damn votes! Geez!

*** Why does everyone keep saying we don't have a president? What happened to that guy who got a blow job? Doesn't he count anymore?

*** President Clinton is in Vietnam. Think he's seen any action yet?

*** I don't mind paying an extra penny for stamps, just as long as they keep the safety on when I'm there.

*** The Amtrak Bullet Train debuted this week. They promise they can now cut derailment time in half.

*** Rosie O'Donnell has just signed with the publishers of McCall's to start her own magazine. How 'bout that? Another fat talk show host with a magazine. I guess Sally Jesse Raphael's about sixty pounds away from signing her own magazine deal.

*** Adam Sandler's next project will be with Boogie Nights director Paul Thomas Anderson. Now there's both a movie and a penis I have no interest in seeing.

*** Mr. Rogers is leaving the neighborhood. After 33 years, Fred Rogers has decided to pack up and move on. As long as he remembers to register as a sex offender wherever he moves to, I'm fine with it.

*** Did you hear about that secret chat room set up at the CIA by employees to trade dirty jokes? At least that's what the government would like you to believe. I'm pretty sure all those limericks about the "Spy from Nantucket" are a code. A code with two pair of plans.  

*** Here's a list of other A-Rod signing demands: he will only bat against 12-year-old girl's pitching underhand; his assistant must be on-field at all times just in case his balls ever need scratching; he will only consent to "oral" drug-testing, but only if he gets to select the drugs; any fan caught booing him will immediately be thrown out of the stadium by a roving team of bouncers; all autographs will be sold for $100, or 3 for $500, more if you want him to personally sign it; he will only field those balls hit directly to him, any extra movement on his part calls for an immediate payment, in small un-marked bills, of $1,000; he gets to take personal time during every 7th and 8th inning, plus time-and-a-half  pay for all extra innings; lastly, all reporters that interview him must kiss his ass so much that they leave with shit-stained lips.

*** Elaine Benes has finally weighed in on Jerry Seinfeld's kid. She deemed him "sponge-bath worthy".

*** MTV and Rolling Stone magazine released their list of the 100 Greatest Rock N Roll songs. These lists always cause people to say, "How could you leave out---?" But really, no A*Teens? They include Abba, but not the band they ripped-off? I demand a recount!

*** Did you hear about that fire-breathing stripper who burned herself and then sued the strip club she was at? Well, she won her case this week. $300,000 dollars or so. A rich, fire-breathing stripper? Now, that's what I call a hot chick.

*** George Harrison's stabber was declared insane this week. It took them that long to figure this one out. It must have been something in the way he stabbed.

*** The World's Greatest Athlete Tiger Woods was fined $50,000 by SAG for crossing their picket lines to shoot a commercial during their recent strike. I'm thinking SAG might now stand for "Screw Asshole Golfers". Good job.

*** Will Smith lost $60,000 gambling in just twenty minutes. He bet he could get an audience to sit through "Wild Wild West". I'm surprised they lasted twenty minutes.

*** So, Coca Cola just settled a $192.5 million dollar racial discrimination suit. I guess they'll have to scrap that new slogan: Cokkke --- it's the really racist thing!

*** Federal agents raided the Louisiana home of former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. He's under investigation for embezzling funds earmarked for various "white rights" campaigns. When pressured by his followers for a response, Duke said, "I am NOT the enemy here! I'm WHITE! Just remember that."

*** Oral sex may or may not be sex, but anal sex is still shitty. And nasal sex is just "boogerrific".

*** Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I hope this year we can get through a simple family gathering without attracting the film crew from "Cops". Just leave your weapons home Aunt Tilda and we'll make sure you get a drumstick. Okay?

*** Lastly, do you know why The Pilgrims wore belt buckles on their hats? Because they were all a bunch of dickheads.

And, that’s that.

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