*** Everyone's talking about the
"hanging, dimpled Chad" this
week. Look, I took those photos of Chad Lowe a long time ago, before he
that guy who won the Oscar. It was a youthful indiscretion on both our
regret it, now let's move on.
*** I'll tell you why Lex Luthor would
be a better president than Georgie
Bush. He's been able to thrive in a world where his main opposition is
Look who's opposing Bush. Also, Luthor was a "successful" businessman
before seeking office.
*** Good move re-painting the White
House with lead paint, Lex. It's 200
years old, long overdue for a re-painting.
*** Stop with all the hand counts
already! Just count the damn votes! Geez!
*** Why does everyone keep saying we
don't have a president? What happened
to that guy who got a blow job? Doesn't he count anymore?
*** President Clinton is in Vietnam.
Think he's seen any action yet?
*** I don't mind paying an extra penny
for stamps, just as long as they
keep the safety on when I'm there.
*** The Amtrak Bullet Train debuted
this week. They promise they can now
cut derailment time in half.
*** Rosie O'Donnell has just signed
with the publishers of McCall's to
start her own magazine. How 'bout that? Another fat talk show host with
magazine. I guess Sally Jesse Raphael's about sixty pounds away from
own magazine deal.
*** Adam Sandler's next project will
be with Boogie Nights director Paul
Thomas Anderson. Now there's both a movie and a penis I have no
*** Mr. Rogers is leaving the
neighborhood. After 33 years, Fred Rogers
has decided to pack up and move on. As long as he remembers to register
as a sex
offender wherever he moves to, I'm fine with it.
*** Did you hear about that secret
chat room set up at the CIA by
employees to trade dirty jokes? At least that's what the government
you to believe. I'm pretty sure all those limericks about the "Spy from
Nantucket" are a code. A code with two pair of plans.
*** Here's a list of other A-Rod
signing demands: he will only bat against
12-year-old girl's pitching underhand; his assistant must be on-field
times just in case his balls ever need scratching; he will only consent
"oral" drug-testing, but only if he gets to select the drugs; any fan
caught booing him will immediately be thrown out of the stadium by a
of bouncers; all autographs will be sold for $100, or 3 for $500, more
want him to personally sign it; he will only field those balls hit
him, any extra movement on his part calls for an immediate payment, in
un-marked bills, of $1,000; he gets to take personal time during every
8th inning, plus time-and-a-half pay for all extra innings;
reporters that interview him must kiss his ass so much that they leave
*** Elaine Benes has finally weighed
in on Jerry Seinfeld's kid. She
deemed him "sponge-bath worthy".
*** MTV and Rolling Stone magazine
released their list of the 100 Greatest
Rock N Roll songs. These lists always cause people to say, "How could
leave out---?" But really, no A*Teens? They include Abba, but not the
they ripped-off? I demand a recount!
*** Did you hear about that
fire-breathing stripper who burned herself and
then sued the strip club she was at? Well, she won her case this week.
dollars or so. A rich, fire-breathing stripper? Now, that's what I call
*** George Harrison's stabber was
declared insane this week. It took them
that long to figure this one out. It must have been something in the
*** The World's Greatest Athlete Tiger
Woods was fined $50,000 by SAG for
crossing their picket lines to shoot a commercial during their recent
I'm thinking SAG might now stand for "Screw Asshole Golfers". Good
*** Will Smith lost $60,000 gambling
in just twenty minutes. He bet
he could get an audience to sit through "Wild Wild West". I'm
surprised they lasted twenty minutes.
*** So, Coca Cola just settled a
$192.5 million dollar racial
discrimination suit. I guess they'll have to scrap that new slogan:
it's the really racist thing!
*** Federal agents raided the
Louisiana home of former Ku Klux Klan leader
David Duke. He's under investigation for embezzling funds earmarked for
"white rights" campaigns. When pressured by his followers for a
response, Duke said, "I am NOT the enemy here! I'm WHITE! Just remember
*** Oral sex may or may not be sex,
but anal sex is still shitty. And
nasal sex is just "boogerrific".
*** Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I
hope this year we can get through a
simple family gathering without attracting the film crew from "Cops".
Just leave your weapons home Aunt Tilda and we'll make sure you get a
*** Lastly, do you know why The
Pilgrims wore belt buckles on their hats?
Because they were all a bunch of dickheads.
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