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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-24-00

*** I'll tell you how to settle this election. Put Gore and Bush in T-shirts, turn on a hose, and let the viewing public decide. I'll even man the phones at 1(800) NIPPLES, and personally tabulate the results. My projection: Jessica Alba garners all votes cast, except those by Limp Chad,  a man with a plan and a speed-dialer, who casts all his votes for the dumb one. The dumb one? Who gets those votes? Looks like it's still too close to call. Sorry!

*** While all the nonsense in Flori-Duh! continues, Dick Cheney had another heart attack. It seems to be what he does best. What's this, his fifth heart attack? Or is it his sixth? I demand a recount! 

*** I think this whole "heart attack story" is being played up by the media to show that all Republicans aren't heartless. 

*** Also, isn't it interesting that the guy who's a heartbeat away from the guy who's a heartbeat away from being President, is himself a heartbeat away from being buried?

*** Spin magazine has selected "Your Hard Drive" as album of the year. Gee, I didn't know I could get those pictures of Alyssa Milano to sing. How? 

*** The best trick magician David Blaine could perform? A vanishing act. Get off my TV, you dickhead!

*** According to ads for the new Showtime series "Queer As Folk", you can tell if someone's gay by their index finger. If it's in another guy's butt --- guess what, you're gay!

*** "102 Dalmatians" is in theaters, so I won't be. I've been boycotting Phyllis Diller movies since before she died. Ever since "Fangs For Nothing", the very first impotence comedy which also marked my first consulting job in Hollywood. 

*** Who are all these crazy people who insist on going shopping the day after Thanksgiving? Every store I went into was mobbed.

*** According to new research, pretty people earn more money than fat and ugly people. They also photograph better, so what? Is this something that required research? 

*** Scott Daly, a Queens, NY social studies teacher, was arrested for smoking crack and masturbating. He was charged with possession of a controlled substance and smoking crack.

*** There's a sperm shortage in Canada. It's true. Canadian sperm banks are running dry. There's one positive side to this story: less Canadian sperm can only lead to less Canadians.

*** The rock group Pavement is breaking up. They plan to go on to form several other groups all called Potholes.

*** Charles Ruff, Bill Clinton's attorney during his impeachment, and DJ Screw are both dead. How will the world go on with one less attorney and DJ?

*** Ruff Screw does sound like something that could get Clinton in trouble all over again.

*** Rev. Billy Graham is retiring. He plans to quietly live out his life and die in bed, surrounded by hookers and narcotics.  Score one for the devil.

*** Elton John claims to have spent $57 million dollars in the last 20 months. And he didn't even have to run for President to do it. Way to shop! 

*** Pocket-size rapper Joe C died this week. It'll be a small funeral: just family, Kid Rock, and Randy Newman. 

*** Madonna's getting married. No, wait, Madonna is NOT getting married. I knew she went both ways, but I just thought they meant she was bi-sexual.

*** And, lastly, it's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'd just like to list a few of the things I'm thankful for:                                                                                                           --- I'm thankful that my hemorrhoids aren't longer than my donut pillow.                           --- I'm thankful that my body-double work for Camryn Manheim was left on the cutting room floor. I really thought I'd let myself go at that point, so I'm happy it won't be seen. --- I'm thankful that Aaron Carter is the only Backstreet Boy brother to put out a CD. If all their brothers recorded I'd go broke.                                                                                 --- I'm thankful to be above average in at least something: I have 27 remote controls throughout my house, the average person has 6.                                                                  --- Finally, I'm thankful that, unlike Lee Ann Rimes,  I was easily able to get out of a contract my parents signed for me when I was 12. I just called up and told them I wouldn't be delivering their damn paper anymore.

And, that’s that.

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