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*** I'll tell you how to settle this election. Put Gore and Bush in
T-shirts, turn on a hose, and let the viewing public decide. I'll even man the
phones at 1(800) NIPPLES, and personally tabulate the results. My projection:
Jessica Alba garners all votes cast, except those by Limp Chad, a man with
a plan and a speed-dialer, who casts all his votes for the dumb one. The dumb
one? Who gets those votes? Looks like it's still too close to call. Sorry!
*** While all the nonsense in Flori-Duh! continues, Dick Cheney had
another heart attack. It seems to be what he does best. What's this, his fifth
heart attack? Or is it his sixth? I demand a recount!
*** I think this whole "heart attack story" is being played up
by the media to show that all Republicans aren't heartless.
*** Also, isn't it interesting that the guy who's a heartbeat away from
the guy who's a heartbeat away from being President, is himself a heartbeat away
from being buried?
*** Spin magazine has selected "Your Hard Drive" as album of the
year. Gee, I didn't know I could get those pictures of Alyssa Milano to sing.
How?
*** The best trick magician David Blaine could perform? A vanishing act.
Get off my TV, you dickhead!
*** According to ads for the new Showtime series "Queer As
Folk", you can tell if someone's gay by their index finger. If it's in
another guy's butt --- guess what, you're gay!
*** "102 Dalmatians" is in theaters, so I won't be. I've been
boycotting Phyllis Diller movies since before she died. Ever since "Fangs
For Nothing", the very first impotence comedy which also marked my first
consulting job in Hollywood.
*** Who are all these crazy people who insist on going shopping the day
after Thanksgiving? Every store I went into was mobbed.
*** According to new research, pretty people earn more money than fat and
ugly people. They also photograph better, so what? Is this something that
required research?
*** Scott Daly, a Queens, NY social studies teacher, was arrested for
smoking crack and masturbating. He was charged with possession of a controlled
substance and smoking crack.
*** There's a sperm shortage in Canada. It's true. Canadian sperm banks
are running dry. There's one positive side to this story: less Canadian sperm
can only lead to less Canadians.
*** The rock group Pavement is breaking up. They plan to go on to form
several other groups all called Potholes.
*** Charles Ruff, Bill Clinton's attorney during his impeachment, and DJ
Screw are both dead. How will the world go on with one less attorney and DJ?
*** Ruff Screw does sound like something that could get Clinton in trouble
all over again.
*** Rev. Billy Graham is retiring. He plans to quietly live out his life
and die in bed, surrounded by hookers and narcotics. Score one for the
devil.
*** Elton John claims to have spent $57 million dollars in the last 20
months. And he didn't even have to run for President to do it. Way to
shop!
*** Pocket-size rapper Joe C died this week. It'll be a small funeral:
just family, Kid Rock, and Randy Newman.
*** Madonna's getting married. No, wait, Madonna is NOT getting married. I
knew she went both ways, but I just thought they meant she was bi-sexual.
*** And, lastly, it's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'd just like to
list a few of the things I'm thankful for: --- I'm thankful that my hemorrhoids
aren't longer than my donut pillow. --- I'm thankful that my body-double work
for Camryn Manheim was left on the cutting room floor. I really thought I'd let
myself go at that point, so I'm happy it won't be seen. --- I'm thankful that
Aaron Carter is the only Backstreet Boy brother to put out a CD. If all their
brothers recorded I'd go broke. --- I'm thankful to be above average in at least
something: I have 27 remote controls throughout my house, the average person has
6. --- Finally, I'm thankful that, unlike Lee Ann Rimes, I was easily able
to get out of a contract my parents signed for me when I was 12. I just called
up and told them I wouldn't be delivering their damn paper anymore.
And, that’s that.
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