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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-24-01

*** I can't decide if I want to get my kids an Xbox or a Game Cube for Christmas this year. Or maybe something a little less addicting: heroin.

*** Doesn't "XBox" sound like slang for a man who used to be a woman?

*** They now say there's a link between left-handedness and transsexualism. Which means that if you pick up a woman and she starts pleasuring you with her left hand --- that's probably the same hand she uses on her own penis.

*** Other new research suggests that sheep can develop a memory for faces. So here's a tip for all the lonely farmers out there. If you don't want to be picked out of a police lineup, stay behind the sheep.

*** Why do they call it "doggie-style" when you hear so much more about people doing it with sheep?

*** According to a new survey, nineteen percent of doctors said they would give patients a lethal injection. 50% of the other respondents said it was immoral, and a surprising 5% said they were such bad doctors that giving a lethal injection to one of their patients would just be redundant.

*** Yet another survey revealed that less than half of all college students use condoms while having sex. I'm thinking that'd probably be the women, no?

*** Philip Morris, the tobacco company, will be changing its name to Altria next year. "Altria" is drawn from the Latin word "altus", meaning "high". So, I'm guessing "tria" must mean "death count".

*** Mick Jagger told a London reporter that he's given up drink, drugs and partying. And from the early sales results of his new solo album, apparently he's also given up selling albums.

*** No more drinking, no more drugs and no more partying. That pretty much just leaves dying, right?

*** Robert Redford and Brad Pitt star in the new movie "Spy Game". In this movie Robert Redford shows Brad Pitt what a drag it is getting old.

*** Madonna is in talks to appear in a London stage production of "The Vagina Monologues". That would certainly be the loudest vagina they've had yet. I mean, just the echo alone.

*** In other Madonna news, her underwear can now be purchased on e-Bay. So anthrax isn't the most toxic thing being sent through the mail.

*** Also, Madonna says that her hubby, Guy Ritchie, doesn't like it when she wears see-through shirts. She says he tells her to cover up her "raspberries". And while you're at take the hair off them pits too.

*** Mickey Rourke told the New York Daily News that Nicole Kidman is sabotaging his career by refusing to even meet with him about a part in her next movie. Hey, Mickey, what's she supposed to do? Put you in the movie and sabotage her own career?

*** Fifty employees at Graceland have been laid off. Gee, I sure hope one of them was the gravestone spell-checker.

*** Audience members began vomiting during a taping of the new Tom Arnold sitcom "The Tom Show". So the first reviews are in.

*** Kate Winslet will be appearing totally naked in her next movie "Iris". Ever since "Titanic" this has been a long, hard wait for me.

*** Rush Limbaugh now says that he's completely deaf. How can you host a radio show when you're completely deaf? I'm thinking the only thing left for Rush is hosting "Deaf Comedy Jam".

*** Magician David Blaine's next stunt will be to stay on top of a 100 foot pole for two days and nights without a safety net below. Geez. Even I know how that trick's done. He's pantsless and sitting.

*** Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, died this week. This came as quite a shock to all her friends, family and even her doctor. All insist that even last week she was still in the pink.

*** Barbara Scott, a former topless dancer, is running for governor of Nevada. What an opportunity. With one vote you can help elect two boobs instead of the usual one.

*** The FCC received complaints about ABC's "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" saying it was too revealing. Revealing? Hey, I thought everyone already knew what Victoria's secret was: she's a slut.

*** Hey, guys. If you even noticed that Britney Spears was lip-synching throughout her HBO concert, then know this: You're gay. Why would anyone watch this for the music? It's kinda like logging on to Naked News for war updates.

*** I was reading how they breed turkeys to have big breasts and small brains. Isn't that the same way we breed strippers?

And, that’s that.

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