*** Former Beatle (and for that matter
former alive person) George Harrison is dead. I guess he just got tired
of John Lennon taking his place as the Quiet Beatle.
*** Guitars across the world have been
gently weeping at the news of his death.
*** I guess now George Harrison will
finally meet "His Sweet Lord" and find out for certain if "He's So
*** I just hope there's a "Crackerbox
Palace" wherever he ends up.
*** Will his coffin be made out of
*** So George Harrison's dead and I'm
still alive. If you need any further proof that life's not fair then
you just haven't been paying attention.
*** Doctors in Massachusetts have
created a human embryo through cloning. That's just what we need ---
more embryos. Aren't abortionists busy enough?
*** If this keeps up, pretty soon
they'll be cloning fetuses. What's next, boy bands?
*** Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder is a
staunch opponent of cloning. Especially in music. Take that, Creed.
*** Police raided Pee Wee Herman's
home looking for child porno. They didn't find any, but they did find
many pictures of Chairy the Chair with someone's ass in his face.
*** The police seized Pee Wee's
"photography and erotic arts collection". If he's got an "erotic arts
collection", why does he go to movie theatres to rub one out?
*** Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
shared one last hug as their divorce was finalized this week. Tom
immediately checked to make sure his wallet was still there and Nicole
checked to make sure it was empty.
*** Sen. Bob Graham had a
non-malignant tumor removed from his nose this week. No word yet on
where he wiped it once he picked it.
*** Harvard virus expert Don Wiley is
missing. The FBI suspect a roving band of white blood cells.
*** The FCC has finally complied with
a court ruling and erased from the books a regulation requiring cable
companies to scramble sexually explicit programming. It probably took
them this long because when it comes to porn you really have to bone up
*** It's official! According to the
National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States has been in a
recession since March of this year. And it only took them eight months
to tell us. Who couldn't tell we were in a recession? My hair's been in
a recession since '95 and I never had to tell anyone. They all somehow
*** Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson star
in "Behind Enemy Lines" about a military effort to rescue a downed
flier. I'm wondering if the enemy taunts them by yelling, "Hey,
American Dog, your flier's down!"
*** Matt Brown of Omaha, Nebraska has
set a new body-piercing record by getting 171 piercings in a single
day. I demand a recount. That hole in his head was there before he
*** For her appearance on a British TV
awards show, Jennifer Lopez has requested space to accommodate 100
people. Just how big is that ass?
*** A new study shows that "light"
cigarettes do not reduce your chance of getting smoking-related
diseases. Call me crazy, but I always thought "light" cigarettes were
just for people on a diet.
*** According to a new survey by the
Durex condom company, Americans have sex on average 97 times a year. I
can average that in a month. And I never need a condom. Nope. Do you
wear one when you're alone?
*** Santas in the New Zealand city of
Wellington have been banned from saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!". Especially when
addressing women shoppers.
*** Comedian Rodney Dangerfield had a
heart attack on his 80th birthday. The doctors did all they could but
he pulled through anyway.
*** It's hard to believe Rodney is 80
years old. I know a couple of hookers who take him for fifty.
*** Lastly, let's put the "X" back in
"X-mas" and buy me some porno, okay?
And, that’s that.
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