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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 11-30-01

*** Former Beatle (and for that matter former alive person) George Harrison is dead. I guess he just got tired of John Lennon taking his place as the Quiet Beatle.

*** Guitars across the world have been gently weeping at the news of his death.

*** I guess now George Harrison will finally meet "His Sweet Lord" and find out for certain if "He's So Fine".

*** I just hope there's a "Crackerbox Palace" wherever he ends up.

*** Will his coffin be made out of "Norwegian Wood"?

*** So George Harrison's dead and I'm still alive. If you need any further proof that life's not fair then you just haven't been paying attention.

*** Doctors in Massachusetts have created a human embryo through cloning. That's just what we need --- more embryos. Aren't abortionists busy enough?

*** If this keeps up, pretty soon they'll be cloning fetuses. What's next, boy bands?

*** Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder is a staunch opponent of cloning. Especially in music. Take that, Creed.

*** Police raided Pee Wee Herman's home looking for child porno. They didn't find any, but they did find many pictures of Chairy the Chair with someone's ass in his face.

*** The police seized Pee Wee's "photography and erotic arts collection". If he's got an "erotic arts collection", why does he go to movie theatres to rub one out?

*** Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman shared one last hug as their divorce was finalized this week. Tom immediately checked to make sure his wallet was still there and Nicole checked to make sure it was empty.

*** Sen. Bob Graham had a non-malignant tumor removed from his nose this week. No word yet on where he wiped it once he picked it.

*** Harvard virus expert Don Wiley is missing. The FBI suspect a roving band of white blood cells.

*** The FCC has finally complied with a court ruling and erased from the books a regulation requiring cable companies to scramble sexually explicit programming. It probably took them this long because when it comes to porn you really have to bone up on it.

*** It's official! According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States has been in a recession since March of this year. And it only took them eight months to tell us. Who couldn't tell we were in a recession? My hair's been in a recession since '95 and I never had to tell anyone. They all somehow knew.

*** Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson star in "Behind Enemy Lines" about a military effort to rescue a downed flier. I'm wondering if the enemy taunts them by yelling, "Hey, American Dog, your flier's down!"

*** Matt Brown of Omaha, Nebraska has set a new body-piercing record by getting 171 piercings in a single day. I demand a recount. That hole in his head was there before he started.

*** For her appearance on a British TV awards show, Jennifer Lopez has requested space to accommodate 100 people. Just how big is that ass?

*** A new study shows that "light" cigarettes do not reduce your chance of getting smoking-related diseases. Call me crazy, but I always thought "light" cigarettes were just for people on a diet.

*** According to a new survey by the Durex condom company, Americans have sex on average 97 times a year. I can average that in a month. And I never need a condom. Nope. Do you wear one when you're alone?

*** Santas in the New Zealand city of Wellington have been banned from saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!". Especially when addressing women shoppers.

*** Comedian Rodney Dangerfield had a heart attack on his 80th birthday. The doctors did all they could but he pulled through anyway.

*** It's hard to believe Rodney is 80 years old. I know a couple of hookers who take him for fifty.

*** Lastly, let's put the "X" back in "X-mas" and buy me some porno, okay?

And, that’s that.

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