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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-01-00

*** What the hell is up with Robert Downey, Jr.? First he's on Ally McBeal, now they're writing him out. Why? Just because he was arrested? Look, if I was fired every time I was arrested, I never could've become the award-winning pimp I am today. 

*** He was arrested for possession of cocaine and methamphetamines. Did he learn nothing from Nancy Reagan? Listen, dude, next time Just Say No, okay?

*** In other seems-like-a-rerun news, Old Dirty Bastard was arrested again. I hear in prison ODB stands for Old Dirty Bunkmate. Ouch! My ass hurts just thinking about it.

*** I know everyone's drooling with impatience to see what our first retarded president will do, but you'll just have to wait. Despite the Flori-Duh! vote certification.

*** David Spade, star of "Just Stun Gun Me", was attacked in his home by his personal assistant who was trying to rob the place. And they say you can't get good help these days. In my day, they'd either rob you or attack you, never both. No one had the energy for both. What a multi-tasker that assistant must be. I'd hang on to him, David.

*** Ellen Degeneres and her new girlfriend have broken up. Wow, that Ellen is going through women like urine through an infected bladder. I can't wait to see what (and who) she does with that tongue next. 

*** The best part of having diarrhea is watching all the unsuspecting people slipping and sliding on it. It's like having a live slapstick comedy performed right before your eyes. It works better than a banana peel.

*** Did you hear about that New Jersey woman who glued her eye shut? She thought she was using eye drops but had picked up the glue instead. Who can't relate to being that stupid? I know a woman who sewed her husband's ass shut when she thought she sewing his pants. I, myself, once drank several Fleet enemas, thinking my doctor was just being rude when he told me to "stick it up my ass". 

*** The Smashing Pumpkins are breaking up. If you're into that sort of thing you can still see Smashing Watermelons at every Gallagher concert. 

*** Revlon has dumped Cindy Crawford and is now out looking for a new, younger model. I always thought Revlon was a makeup company. Why are they acting like a rock star?

*** A new report says that there's 72% fewer legal gun dealers in this country since enactment of  the Brady bill, which requires background checks on all potential buyers. What's going on here? If they only have to weed out the mentally defective and ex-cons their biggest market is still available: school kids. 

*** Fuck! So, Neve Campbell's half-brother, fuck, has Tourette's Syndrome. Fuck! I don't see a problem with that.

*** Demi Moore says that she has to "get the sex back into my acting". Hey, maybe if she kept the acting in her sex she'd still be married. It works for my wife.

*** Thomas Sawyer, head-writer for Murder She Wrote (and wouldn't Mark Twain be proud), is writing a novel based on the Kennedy assassination. This promises to be the best Kennedy assassination fiction since the Warren report.

*** John Travolta has been ordered to pay over $600,000 in back taxes. Can't a rich, white actor get a break in this country? How's he going to afford that? Guess he'll just have to sell shares in "Battlefield Earth 2". 

*** Glaxo has stopped all sales of Lotronex, that new irritable bowel syndrome drug. Among the many severe side effects: ischemic colitis (got it), constipation (got it), and death (need it). Eight deaths have been linked to this drug. But on the plus side those people no longer suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, so what's the fuss?

*** There's a new study out that says that people who watch over 9 hours of TV a day suffer from obesity. Really? I always thought it was the 9 hours of eating a day, but I didn't do a study on it, so what do I know. Maybe it's just too many people going on that Oprah diet. That'll fatten anyone up.

*** Speaking of Oprah, word is that she'll finally be marrying that Steadman guy. With a good provider like that, I think Oprah can finally quit her job and do what she does best: gain weight. She'd have plenty of time to watch the required 9 hours of TV, so I think she can do it. Good Luck.

*** Another new study says that kids as young as three can tell the difference between a TV commercial and a TV show. What? Get out of here! With all of the action figures and fast-food tie-ins, most TV shows for kids are commercials. My kids can't even tell the difference between a TV set and a toaster. I can't tell you how many mornings I wake up to find them watching the toaster while waiting for their toast to pop out of the VCR. Still, they could grow up to be President.

*** Three of the original Monkees will be getting back together for a concert tour next year. Mike Nesmith, the hold out, says that he's evolved beyond being a Monkey and will only go on tour as a Man. I wonder if they still get the funniest looks from everyone they meet? Sixty-year-old Mop Tops? Who'd even notice?

*** President Clinton has finished his memoirs. It'll be called: "Blow by Blow: My Years In The White House".

*** It seems the Netherlands will be the first country to legalize mercy killing. How could they? Don't they know that'd be depriving terminally ill people of their right to die a slow, agonizing and expensive death?

*** Lastly, Elizabeth Hurley will now be modeling a gel-filled bra. How many are like me and long for the old days of boob-filled bras?

And, that’s that.

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