*** What the hell is up with Robert
Downey, Jr.? First he's on Ally McBeal,
now they're writing him out. Why? Just because he was arrested? Look,
if I was
fired every time I was arrested, I never could've become the
I am today.
*** He was arrested for possession of
cocaine and methamphetamines. Did he
learn nothing from Nancy Reagan? Listen, dude, next time Just Say No,
*** In other seems-like-a-rerun news,
Old Dirty Bastard was arrested
again. I hear in prison ODB stands for Old Dirty Bunkmate. Ouch! My ass
just thinking about it.
*** I know everyone's drooling with
impatience to see what our first
retarded president will do, but you'll just have to wait. Despite the
*** David Spade, star of "Just Stun
Gun Me", was attacked in his
home by his personal assistant who was trying to rob the place. And
they say you
can't get good help these days. In my day, they'd either rob you or
never both. No one had the energy for both. What a multi-tasker that
must be. I'd hang on to him, David.
*** Ellen Degeneres and her new
girlfriend have broken up. Wow, that Ellen
is going through women like urine through an infected bladder. I can't
see what (and who) she does with that tongue next.
*** The best part of having diarrhea
is watching all the unsuspecting
people slipping and sliding on it. It's like having a live slapstick
performed right before your eyes. It works better than a banana peel.
*** Did you hear about that New Jersey
woman who glued her eye shut? She
thought she was using eye drops but had picked up the glue instead. Who
relate to being that stupid? I know a woman who sewed her husband's ass
when she thought she sewing his pants. I, myself, once drank several
enemas, thinking my doctor was just being rude when he told me to
up my ass".
*** The Smashing Pumpkins are breaking
up. If you're into that sort of
thing you can still see Smashing Watermelons at every Gallagher
*** Revlon has dumped Cindy Crawford
and is now out looking for a new,
younger model. I always thought Revlon was a makeup company. Why are
like a rock star?
*** A new report says that there's 72%
fewer legal gun dealers in this
country since enactment of the Brady bill, which requires
checks on all potential buyers. What's going on here? If they only have
out the mentally defective and ex-cons their biggest market is still
*** Fuck! So, Neve Campbell's
half-brother, fuck, has Tourette's Syndrome.
Fuck! I don't see a problem with that.
*** Demi Moore says that she has to
"get the sex back into my
acting". Hey, maybe if she kept the acting in her sex she'd still be
married. It works for my wife.
*** Thomas Sawyer, head-writer for
Murder She Wrote (and wouldn't Mark
Twain be proud), is writing a novel based on the Kennedy assassination.
promises to be the best Kennedy assassination fiction since the Warren
*** John Travolta has been ordered to
pay over $600,000 in back taxes.
Can't a rich, white actor get a break in this country? How's he going
that? Guess he'll just have to sell shares in "Battlefield Earth
*** Glaxo has stopped all sales of
Lotronex, that new irritable bowel
syndrome drug. Among the many severe side effects: ischemic colitis
constipation (got it), and death (need it). Eight deaths have been
this drug. But on the plus side those people no longer suffer from
bowel syndrome, so what's the fuss?
*** There's a new study out that says
that people who watch over 9 hours
of TV a day suffer from obesity. Really? I always thought it was the 9
eating a day, but I didn't do a study on it, so what do I know. Maybe
too many people going on that Oprah diet. That'll fatten anyone up.
*** Speaking of Oprah, word is that
she'll finally be marrying that
Steadman guy. With a good provider like that, I think Oprah can finally
job and do what she does best: gain weight. She'd have plenty of time
the required 9 hours of TV, so I think she can do it. Good Luck.
*** Another new study says that kids
as young as three can tell the
difference between a TV commercial and a TV show. What? Get out of
all of the action figures and fast-food tie-ins, most TV shows for kids
commercials. My kids can't even tell the difference between a TV set
toaster. I can't tell you how many mornings I wake up to find them
toaster while waiting for their toast to pop out of the VCR. Still,
grow up to be President.
*** Three of the original Monkees will
be getting back together for a
concert tour next year. Mike Nesmith, the hold out, says that he's
beyond being a Monkey and will only go on tour as a Man. I wonder if
get the funniest looks from everyone they meet? Sixty-year-old Mop
*** President Clinton has finished his
memoirs. It'll be called:
"Blow by Blow: My Years In The White House".
*** It seems the Netherlands will be
the first country to legalize mercy
killing. How could they? Don't they know that'd be depriving terminally
people of their right to die a slow, agonizing and expensive death?
*** Lastly, Elizabeth Hurley will now
be modeling a gel-filled bra. How
many are like me and long for the old days of boob-filled bras?
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