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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-07-01

*** Did you hear about Johnny Walker, the American fighting with the Taliban? Exactly how much Johnny Walker has this Johnny Walker been drinking?

*** Have you seen this guy? If he's been brain-washed, it's about the only part of him that's been washed in some time.

*** Maybe he's just a confused drinker who likes getting bombed.

*** Mariah Carey gave a concert for the troops this week. This is all part of the USO's plan to help soldiers find combat enjoyable by comparison.

*** Playboy Enterprises will be releasing a line of "anatomically correct" Playmate dolls. I don't know. I prefer my Playmate's "anatomically enhanced".

*** If Steve Bing doesn't want to take credit for fathering Elizabeth Hurley's baby, I will.

*** Great news: Conan O'Brien will NOT be starring in a Broadway revival of "The Music Man" as previously announced. Whew! I can finally stop vomiting.

*** Mark Wahlberg is being sued for beating up his body guard. Now the only thing protecting him from his "fans" is their complete and utter lack of interest.

*** Dean Kamen finally unveiled his great new invention alternately known as "It", "Ginger" or "Segway". I don't care what you call it, isn't it just a goddamn scooter?

*** A new study indicates that women are more vulnerable to brain damage from Ecstasy than men. However, men are more vulnerable to brain damage from the Misery that returns after women come down from Ecstasy.

*** According to a new British survey, roughly half of all UK smokers think the habit is safe. Among the other things thought safe by these smokers: crossing streets while blindfolded, shaving with a piece of broken glass, and crucifixion.

*** In other UK news, they've outlawed baby cloning. Babies are up in arms demanding the right to clone as much and as often as children, teenagers and adults.

*** Ashton Kutcher stars in some western called "Texas Rangers", now playing in some theaters not too near you. Wasn't this originally called "Dude, Where's My Horse?"

*** Court TV will be holding a mock trial of Osama bin Laden. Kinda like that mock trial they ran of O.J. Simpson.

*** Speaking of O.J., he was back in the news this week. It's too bad the news media are so distracted by this war. They won't be able to give this latest O.J. story the round-the-clock coverage it deserves.

*** Strom Thurmond celebrated his 99th birthday on Wednesday. Proving once and for all that only the good die young.

*** If Elton John's not going to record anymore, how's he gonna watch "Ally McBeal" when he's not home on Mondays?

*** I'd go to see "Ocean's Eleven" but I missed Ocean's One through Ten and I'm not sure I'll be able to follow it.

*** All the ads for "Ocean's Eleven" keep asking "Are You In Or Are You Out?". They stole that line from my wife.

*** I used to find premature ejaculation embarrassing. Now I just think of it as a great way to save time.

*** A German Santa Claus came under investigation this week for slapping a boy and locking him in a broom closet. Sounds like Santa just made his own "Naughty List" this year.

*** In Santa's defense, maybe that's just what the kid asked for.

*** Aren't gift certificates just about the dumbest idea for a gift? You take perfectly good green paper (money) that's usable anywhere and everywhere and trade it in for paper that's only usable at one place. How dumb is that?

*** If there's "Twelve Days of Christmas", how come they all fall on December 25th?

*** Lastly, I hope everyone out there remains on "High Alert". I'm taking the weekend off.

And, that’s that.

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