*** Did you hear about Johnny Walker,
the American fighting with the Taliban? Exactly how much Johnny Walker
has this Johnny Walker been drinking?
*** Have you seen this guy? If he's
been brain-washed, it's about the only part of him that's been washed
in some time.
*** Maybe he's just a confused drinker
who likes getting bombed.
*** Mariah Carey gave a concert for
the troops this week. This is all part of the USO's plan to help
soldiers find combat enjoyable by comparison.
*** Playboy Enterprises will be
releasing a line of "anatomically correct" Playmate dolls. I don't
know. I prefer my Playmate's "anatomically enhanced".
*** If Steve Bing doesn't want to take
credit for fathering Elizabeth Hurley's baby, I will.
*** Great news: Conan O'Brien will NOT
be starring in a Broadway revival of "The Music Man" as previously
announced. Whew! I can finally stop vomiting.
*** Mark Wahlberg is being sued for
beating up his body guard. Now the only thing protecting him from his
"fans" is their complete and utter lack of interest.
*** Dean Kamen finally unveiled his
great new invention alternately known as "It", "Ginger" or "Segway". I
don't care what you call it, isn't it just a goddamn scooter?
*** A new study indicates that women
are more vulnerable to brain damage from Ecstasy than men. However, men
are more vulnerable to brain damage from the Misery that returns after
women come down from Ecstasy.
*** According to a new British survey,
roughly half of all UK smokers think the habit is safe. Among the other
things thought safe by these smokers: crossing streets while
blindfolded, shaving with a piece of broken glass, and crucifixion.
*** In other UK news, they've outlawed
baby cloning. Babies are up in arms demanding the right to clone as
much and as often as children, teenagers and adults.
*** Ashton Kutcher stars in some
western called "Texas Rangers", now playing in some theaters not too
near you. Wasn't this originally called "Dude, Where's My Horse?"
*** Court TV will be holding a mock
trial of Osama bin Laden. Kinda like that mock trial they ran of O.J.
*** Speaking of O.J., he was back in
the news this week. It's too bad the news media are so distracted by
this war. They won't be able to give this latest O.J. story the
round-the-clock coverage it deserves.
*** Strom Thurmond celebrated his 99th
birthday on Wednesday. Proving once and for all that only the good die
*** If Elton John's not going to
record anymore, how's he gonna watch "Ally McBeal" when he's not home
*** I'd go to see "Ocean's Eleven" but
I missed Ocean's One through Ten and I'm not sure I'll be able to
*** All the ads for "Ocean's Eleven"
keep asking "Are You In Or Are You Out?". They stole that line from my
*** I used to find premature
ejaculation embarrassing. Now I just think of it as a great way to save
*** A German Santa Claus came under
investigation this week for slapping a boy and locking him in a broom
closet. Sounds like Santa just made his own "Naughty List" this year.
*** In Santa's defense, maybe that's
just what the kid asked for.
*** Aren't gift certificates just
about the dumbest idea for a gift? You take perfectly good green paper
(money) that's usable anywhere and everywhere and trade it in for paper
that's only usable at one place. How dumb is that?
*** If there's "Twelve Days of
Christmas", how come they all fall on December 25th?
*** Lastly, I hope everyone out there
remains on "High Alert". I'm taking the weekend off.
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