*** Senator Strom Thurmond turned 98 on Tuesday. Friends and family say he looks the same as he did 40 years ago: dead. He spent his birthday in the usual way: drooling on proposed legislation, and turning a deaf ear to anyone standing on either side of him. 

*** George Bush, the former president not the retard, had hip surgery this week. Former president Carter underwent shoulder surgery. Hmmm. I smell a conspiracy. The corporations that own this country are getting a little worried that there's no "figure-head-elect" in place and are starting to build a new president out of the parts of former presidents. If they use George Bush, Sr.'s head, outside of a slight increase in articulation, no one will be the wiser.

*** When I first heard about that chicken head incident at McDonald's, I thought maybe Big Bird had been caught blowing people in the Men's room. It's about time he was caught, isn't it?

*** In the movie "What Women Want", Mel Gibson plays a man who can hear women's thoughts. I'm pretty sure I have this power too. Every time I stand next to my wife I hear nothing.

*** Have you seen the ads for "Castaway"? I wanna know how they copied my Helen Hunt shrine down to the tiniest detail. I'm suing!

*** I don't believe that OJ road rage story at all. The guy lived, didn't he? That doesn't sound like OJ's rage to me.

*** Did you hear about that teenage mom who tossed her baby out the window? Is this what they mean by late term abortions? I guess maybe I'm against that after all. She's already been charged with murder, but I wonder if they'll end up charging her with littering as well.

*** "Vertical Limit" looks pretty exciting by the ads, but don't forget that Chris O'Donnell's the star. If enough people find this out in time, this movie is destined to bomb --- big time.

*** Catherine Zeta-Jones signed a pre-nup with Michael Douglas guaranteeing her millions of dollars for every year they stay married. Wow! That must make her the most expensive hooker on the planet. 

*** Did you hear about that British guy who had his testicle bitten off by a friend? And he was so drunk he didn't even know it was missing? I guess they were both having a ball.

*** First and foremost, big ups to God for inspiring Sisqo to pen "The Thong Song". I can't remember another time when I've so agreed with the sentiments of a song that I absolutely cannot listen to. So, another big ups to God for ear plugs.

*** Speaking of God, his loyal servant, The Pope, just got a promotion. He's now a superhero. It's true. The adventures of the Pontiff will be chronicled in a new comic book. With his sidekick, Altered Boy, The Pope travels the world in his Popemobile to battle super villains such as The Abortionator, Satan, and The Penguin. His only weakness: scientific logic. 

*** I tell you that movie "Arthur" is cursed. Dudley Moore just announced he's dying. Liza was just on her death bed (she continues to sleep in it every night). John Gielgud died in his prime at 90. And director/ writer Steve Gordon is also dead. This has got to be the most cursed movie since "Casablanca". Humphrey Bogart? Dead. Ingrid Bergman? Dead. Claude Rains? Dead. Sidney Greenstreet? Peter Lorre? Director Michael Curtiz? Dead, dead, and dead. I know we all have to die, but celebrities, too? Why?

*** Bill Clinton told Rolling Stone magazine that he now believes that people who use or sell small amounts of marijuana should not go to jail. Gee, I wonder if he plans to spend some of his post-presidency actually inhaling this time?

*** New analysis reveals that 75% of the 69 people that Dr. Kervorkian helped to die were not terminally ill at the time he helped them. That's right, 75% of the 69 people. Does this mean parts of them would have lived on? What kind of fuzzy math is this? I say we need a new analysis of this new analysis. This kind of thing kills me.

*** Does anyone really care what Monica Lewinsky has to say anymore? I know it's hard for a woman like that to keep her mouth shut, but can't we find some way to keep her from talking?

*** That movie "It's A Wonderful Life" really makes me think about what life would be like if I'd never been born. Outside of the improvements, I don't think anyone'd notice a difference.

*** Rikki Lake announced she's pregnant. Oh, so that explains the weight gain.

*** Melanie Griffith has fled rehab. Look for her on tour with the Wu Tang Klan.

*** Bruce Springsteen was given an award by the NAACP. Don't they realize he's white? 

*** Microsoft will donate 88 million dollars in computer software over the next five years to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. By the time they get off the phone with technical support they'll be the Men and Women's Clubs of America.