*** Colonel Klink, The World's
Funniest Nazi Commandant, is dead. He
escaped prosecution for war crimes by being so damn funny and cuddly.
I may have this a bit Goebbled up, all witnesses to his atrocities
"know NOTHING!" and "see NOTHING!" Maybe they were too busy
laughing. I say it's a shame we had to wait until he was dead before we
*** Senator Strom Thurmond turned 98
on Tuesday. Friends and family say he
looks the same as he did 40 years ago: dead. He spent his birthday in
way: drooling on proposed legislation, and turning a deaf ear to anyone
on either side of him.
*** George Bush, the former president
not the retard, had hip surgery this
week. Former president Carter underwent shoulder surgery. Hmmm. I smell
conspiracy. The corporations that own this country are getting a little
that there's no "figure-head-elect" in place and are starting to build
a new president out of the parts of former presidents. If they use
Sr.'s head, outside of a slight increase in articulation, no one will
*** When I first heard about that
chicken head incident at McDonald's, I
thought maybe Big Bird had been caught blowing people in the Men's
about time he was caught, isn't it?
*** In the movie "What Women Want",
Mel Gibson plays a man who
can hear women's thoughts. I'm pretty sure I have this power too. Every
stand next to my wife I hear nothing.
*** Have you seen the ads for
"Castaway"? I wanna know how they
copied my Helen Hunt shrine down to the tiniest detail. I'm suing!
*** I don't believe that OJ road rage
story at all. The guy lived, didn't
he? That doesn't sound like OJ's rage to me.
*** Did you hear about that teenage
mom who tossed her baby out the
window? Is this what they mean by late term abortions? I guess maybe
that after all. She's already been charged with murder, but I wonder if
end up charging her with littering as well.
*** "Vertical Limit" looks pretty
exciting by the ads, but don't
forget that Chris O'Donnell's the star. If enough people find this out
this movie is destined to bomb --- big time.
*** Catherine Zeta-Jones signed a
pre-nup with Michael Douglas
guaranteeing her millions of dollars for every year they stay married.
must make her the most expensive hooker on the planet.
*** Did you hear about that British
guy who had his testicle bitten off by
a friend? And he was so drunk he didn't even know it was missing? I
were both having a ball.
*** First and foremost, big ups to God
for inspiring Sisqo to pen
"The Thong Song". I can't remember another time when I've so agreed
with the sentiments of a song that I absolutely cannot listen to. So,
big ups to God for ear plugs.
*** Speaking of God, his loyal
servant, The Pope, just got a promotion.
He's now a superhero. It's true. The adventures of the Pontiff will be
chronicled in a new comic book. With his sidekick, Altered Boy, The
the world in his Popemobile to battle super villains such as The
Satan, and The Penguin. His only weakness: scientific logic.
*** I tell you that movie "Arthur" is
cursed. Dudley Moore just
announced he's dying. Liza was just on her death bed (she continues to
it every night). John Gielgud died in his prime at 90. And director/
Steve Gordon is also dead. This has got to be the most cursed movie
"Casablanca". Humphrey Bogart? Dead. Ingrid Bergman? Dead. Claude
Rains? Dead. Sidney Greenstreet? Peter Lorre? Director Michael Curtiz?
dead, and dead. I know we all have to die, but celebrities, too? Why?
*** Bill Clinton told Rolling Stone
magazine that he now believes that
people who use or sell small amounts of marijuana should not go to
jail. Gee, I
wonder if he plans to spend some of his post-presidency actually
*** New analysis reveals that 75% of
the 69 people that Dr. Kervorkian
helped to die were not terminally ill at the time he helped them.
75% of the 69 people. Does this mean parts of them would have lived on?
kind of fuzzy math is this? I say we need a new analysis of this new
This kind of thing kills me.
*** Does anyone really care what
Monica Lewinsky has to say anymore? I
know it's hard for a woman like that to keep her mouth shut, but can't
some way to keep her from talking?
*** That movie "It's A Wonderful Life"
really makes me think
about what life would be like if I'd never been born. Outside of the
improvements, I don't think anyone'd notice a difference.
*** Rikki Lake announced she's
pregnant. Oh, so that explains the weight
*** Melanie Griffith has fled rehab.
Look for her on tour with the Wu Tang
*** Bruce Springsteen was given an
award by the NAACP. Don't they realize
*** Microsoft will donate 88 million
dollars in computer software over the
next five years to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. By the time
off the phone with technical support they'll be the Men and Women's
*** Lastly, Stephen King has pulled
the plug on his cyber novel because
people weren't paying for it. What? You mean people can get paid for
the Internet? I had no idea.
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