*** Did you see that new Osama bin
Laden video? If they expect this to click with the TRL crowd they're
gonna have to punch it up. I suggest having his sidekick kick him in
the side while one of his other flunkies gives him a chainsaw enema.
That I'd watch. Again and again.
*** Everyone's wondering just how do
we go about rebuilding Afghanistan. Well, to get it back to exactly the
way it was before the war started, I think we might have to do some
*** Winona Ryder was arrested for
stealing clothes from a Saks Fifth Avenue boutique. Or, as I like to
call it, "Girl, Interrupted While Shoplifting".
*** She's lucky. Most actresses can't
get arrested in Hollywood after they hit thirty.
*** Oh, did you hear about Goldie
Hawn? She wants to put an end to gossip. But don't tell anyone I told
*** Alka-Seltzer will celebrate its
70th anniversary by declaring January 1st to be National Hangover Day.
If they make National Hangover Day an annual event, what are the
people, like me, who celebrate it every Sunday supposed to do?
*** Nicole Kidman is Entertainment
Weekly's Entertainer of the Year. Really? I'm thinking that divorce
from Tom Cruise must've been a whole lot more entertaining than I
thought. Wish I'd followed it closer.
*** Speaking of Tom Cruise, his new
movie "Vanilla Sky" is getting pretty bad reviews. In fact, the best
thing anyone's said about it is that it's "Not Another Teen Movie".
*** Ashley Judd married Scottish
racing driver Dario Franchitti this week. If he's as fast in bed as he
is on the track they'll be divorced in record time.
*** Australian comedian Dame Edna will
be joining the cast of "Ally McBeal". Which can only mean one thing.
She just got out of rehab.
*** Mickey Rourke is bitching again.
This time he's upset that they wouldn't let his dog onto a movie set.
Doesn't this guy realize how lucky he is that they still let him on
*** Extras on the new Jennifer Lopez
film have been warned not to make eye contact with her. Hey! How 'bout
we all stop looking at her and put an end to this nonsense right now.
*** Or we could wait until that movie
with the lesbian scenes comes out. Please.
*** The Hollywood directors union
reached a tentative deal on a new contract this week, nearly seven
months before the current agreement expires. Even when it comes to
directors what they really want to do is direct.
*** A chain of British video stores is
now using aromatherapy to help customers choose movies. For example,
there's a faint smell of gunpowder for action films, the scent of roses
for romance, the smell of bananas for comedies. And for "Freddy Got
Fingered": the overpowering stench of a six-month old dog corpse
covered in feces and left in a Penn Station men's room.
*** The State Department is once again
warning Americans not to travel to the Middle East. Isn't this
information just for people who don't follow the news? So how are they
gonna find out about it?
*** In the Philippines, a religious
farmer cut off his penis because he believed it was inducing him to
sin. Or, at least, pointing him in that direction.
*** If he were truly religious he
would've remembered that "thy rod and thy staff can comfort me".
*** A new report says that mall Santas
have been getting fatter each and every year. Gee, if that were the
only requirement then my wife would make a perfect Santa.
*** 7-11 now has their very own X-mas
shopping aisle. Everything there is either red or green. Just like all
their meat products.
*** Boston scientists have identified
the "beer belly" enzyme. Yeah. They found it at the bottom of their
*** In other science news, California
scientists now say that racism may be erasable. If we can only get rid
of all the whiteys.
*** In Sweden, a court has ordered a
sperm donor to pay child support after the lesbian couple raising the
child broke up. That kind of takes all the fun out of doing your own
*** Why not make the turkey baster
chip in too?
*** If he pays he's a bigger jerk-off
than I thought.
And, that’s that.
You can E-mail Uncle Herbie by
Click here for more Uncle
Compact Discs anywhere Click Here