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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-14-01

*** Did you see that new Osama bin Laden video? If they expect this to click with the TRL crowd they're gonna have to punch it up. I suggest having his sidekick kick him in the side while one of his other flunkies gives him a chainsaw enema. That I'd watch. Again and again.

*** Everyone's wondering just how do we go about rebuilding Afghanistan. Well, to get it back to exactly the way it was before the war started, I think we might have to do some more bombing.

*** Winona Ryder was arrested for stealing clothes from a Saks Fifth Avenue boutique. Or, as I like to call it, "Girl, Interrupted While Shoplifting".

*** She's lucky. Most actresses can't get arrested in Hollywood after they hit thirty.

*** Oh, did you hear about Goldie Hawn? She wants to put an end to gossip. But don't tell anyone I told you, okay?

*** Alka-Seltzer will celebrate its 70th anniversary by declaring January 1st to be National Hangover Day. If they make National Hangover Day an annual event, what are the people, like me, who celebrate it every Sunday supposed to do?

*** Nicole Kidman is Entertainment Weekly's Entertainer of the Year. Really? I'm thinking that divorce from Tom Cruise must've been a whole lot more entertaining than I thought. Wish I'd followed it closer.

*** Speaking of Tom Cruise, his new movie "Vanilla Sky" is getting pretty bad reviews. In fact, the best thing anyone's said about it is that it's "Not Another Teen Movie".

*** Ashley Judd married Scottish racing driver Dario Franchitti this week. If he's as fast in bed as he is on the track they'll be divorced in record time.

*** Australian comedian Dame Edna will be joining the cast of "Ally McBeal". Which can only mean one thing. She just got out of rehab.

*** Mickey Rourke is bitching again. This time he's upset that they wouldn't let his dog onto a movie set. Doesn't this guy realize how lucky he is that they still let him on movie sets?

*** Extras on the new Jennifer Lopez film have been warned not to make eye contact with her. Hey! How 'bout we all stop looking at her and put an end to this nonsense right now.

*** Or we could wait until that movie with the lesbian scenes comes out. Please.

*** The Hollywood directors union reached a tentative deal on a new contract this week, nearly seven months before the current agreement expires. Even when it comes to directors what they really want to do is direct.

*** A chain of British video stores is now using aromatherapy to help customers choose movies. For example, there's a faint smell of gunpowder for action films, the scent of roses for romance, the smell of bananas for comedies. And for "Freddy Got Fingered": the overpowering stench of a six-month old dog corpse covered in feces and left in a Penn Station men's room.

*** The State Department is once again warning Americans not to travel to the Middle East. Isn't this information just for people who don't follow the news? So how are they gonna find out about it?

*** In the Philippines, a religious farmer cut off his penis because he believed it was inducing him to sin. Or, at least, pointing him in that direction.

*** If he were truly religious he would've remembered that "thy rod and thy staff can comfort me".

*** A new report says that mall Santas have been getting fatter each and every year. Gee, if that were the only requirement then my wife would make a perfect Santa.

*** 7-11 now has their very own X-mas shopping aisle. Everything there is either red or green. Just like all their meat products.

*** Boston scientists have identified the "beer belly" enzyme. Yeah. They found it at the bottom of their sixth beer.

*** In other science news, California scientists now say that racism may be erasable. If we can only get rid of all the whiteys.

*** In Sweden, a court has ordered a sperm donor to pay child support after the lesbian couple raising the child broke up. That kind of takes all the fun out of doing your own thing.

*** Why not make the turkey baster chip in too?

*** If he pays he's a bigger jerk-off than I thought.

And, that’s that.

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