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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-15-00

*** Our long, national nightmare is finally over. "Normal, Ohio" has been cancelled. A three-hundred pound homo? Get real. The only way to get gay guys interested in getting into John Goodman's pants would be to get John Goodman out of them and hold a Cher concert in them. Hey, I might even show up for that. Just fumigate first, okay? He looks a little gassy to me.

*** Speaking of gassy, Al Gore conceded yet again. When will this election ever end?

*** Well, they always say it's not over until the fat lady sings. In related news, Rosie O'Donnell will be returning to Broadway in the musical "Seussical". So, I guess the end is near.

*** Alex Rodriguez signed with the Texas Rangers for $252 million dollars. That sounds like a lot of money, but I know a couple of guys who spent about that much just to get a job that pays $200,000 a year. 

*** Jim Carrey just broke up with Renee Zellwegger. He's doing the same thing I used to do. Dump them right before X-mas so you don't have to buy them a present. Way to save a few bucks!

*** Entertainment Weekly has selected Russell Crowe as Entertainer Of The Year. Am I the only one who just doesn't get the appeal of this guy? I mean, besides Dennis Quaid. 

*** Sports Illustrated has picked Tiger Woods as Sportsman Of The Year. Isn't he a golfer? Can that really be called a sport? I think it's just taking a really slow walk in bad clothes.

*** The International Journal Of Obesity (I buy it for the pictures) has just concluded a study that determined that 7 of 10 playmates are underweight. The other 3 were playmates in the '70s. 7 of 10 playmates may be underweight but 7 0f 9 still looks fine.

*** Exactly how do you get a job studying playmates? I've got some free time I could devote to that. You know what? I already think I do that.

*** Anne Heche Just Says No to allegations that she's the one that supplied Robert Downey, Jr. with his career-ending drugs. Don't they both have a habit of randomly showing up at strangers doors? Maybe you'll have a chance to ask them all about it yourself. I, myself, look forward to the opportunity. I just hope they bring their own drugs.

*** Eminem and his wife are reconciling. I always thought "reconciling" meant "to get back together and give things another try." Leave it to a wordsmith like Eminem to redefine things for all of us. "Reconcile" now means "to dump her body and hide the knife." Is she crazy or just nuts? I guess it really doesn't mather.

*** According to the Canadian Medical Association Journal, Winnie The Pooh and his pals are all "seriously troubled" and in need of psychoactive medications. This is the kind of research you get when you have "free" health care. 

*** Hillary Clinton's memoir sold for $8 million dollars. Tentative title "Crouching Husband, Hidden Intern".

*** The British tabloid Sun ran a photo of Prince William cleaning a toilet. I gotta figure this made news because it's the first time a member of the royal family has ever done anything. And, what exactly was he trying to hide by scrubbing away so diligently? I prefer to leave a little residue for the next guy. If nothing else, it helps to drown out the smell of the disinfectant.

*** Not that anyone cares, but Madonna is now set to marry some guy named Ritchie. Hey, get a last name, will ya?

*** Arnold Schwarzenegger said recently that he won't be in any more "mindless" action movies. If we can keep him away from "mindless" comedies too, he'll be forced to retire.

*** New research claims that smoking marijuana will slow down sperm. So will masturbating to pictures of Rosie O'Donnell. Where's my research grant for finding that out?

*** Boris Yeltsin can see clearly now after undergoing successful cataract surgery. First thing he noticed was that his glass was empty and he needed a refill.

*** Among the most unsafe toys recalled this past year: Pokemon Balls. Kids were choking on them. Hey kids, keep the toy testicles out of your mouth and you might live a little longer. This Pokemon Ball recall was probably one of the easiest. There's only two, right?

*** Lawyers who work for the poor in New York are threatening to quit if they don't get a raise. And a better class of clients, maybe? Look, if you didn't learn how to screw the system for big bucks in law school, perhaps you're just not worth the extra money. Now get back to work and enjoy the smell.

*** The FTC has finally approved that AOL/ Time Warner merger. Gee, I wish I had an AOL disk for every day I've been hearing about this merger. True, I'd have about 500 disks, but that's about half what I have now. 

*** Gwyneth Paltrow's stalker was convicted this week. Well, I guess we won't be seeing Mr. Ripley around much for awhile.

*** Timothy McVeigh, convicted Oklahoma City Bomber, says he wants to stop all appeals and be executed within four months. How can a man so crazy talk so sanely? One thing, why the four month wait? What's he gotta do? Break up with his cellmate? See Paris? What? 

*** Cynthia Luther, 300 pound airline passenger, was charged for two seats by Southwest Airlines. I'll bet she stopped complaining when they fed her a second meal.

*** Lastly, the retarded sure do make a lot of news in Texas. Whether being executed or elected, it's just one big drool-fest down there.

And, that’s that.

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