*** Our long, national nightmare is
finally over. "Normal, Ohio"
has been cancelled. A three-hundred pound homo? Get real. The only way
gay guys interested in getting into John Goodman's pants would be to
Goodman out of them and hold a Cher concert in them. Hey, I might even
for that. Just fumigate first, okay? He looks a little gassy to me.
*** Speaking of gassy, Al Gore
conceded yet again. When will this election
*** Well, they always say it's not
over until the fat lady sings. In
related news, Rosie O'Donnell will be returning to Broadway in the
"Seussical". So, I guess the end is near.
*** Alex Rodriguez signed with the
Texas Rangers for $252 million dollars.
That sounds like a lot of money, but I know a couple of guys who spent
that much just to get a job that pays $200,000 a year.
*** Jim Carrey just broke up with
Renee Zellwegger. He's doing the same
thing I used to do. Dump them right before X-mas so you don't have to
buy them a
present. Way to save a few bucks!
*** Entertainment Weekly has selected
Russell Crowe as Entertainer Of The
Year. Am I the only one who just doesn't get the appeal of this guy? I
besides Dennis Quaid.
*** Sports Illustrated has picked
Tiger Woods as Sportsman Of The Year.
Isn't he a golfer? Can that really be called a sport? I think it's just
really slow walk in bad clothes.
*** The International Journal Of
Obesity (I buy it for the pictures) has
just concluded a study that determined that 7 of 10 playmates are
The other 3 were playmates in the '70s. 7 of 10 playmates may be
7 0f 9 still looks fine.
*** Exactly how do you get a job
studying playmates? I've got some free
time I could devote to that. You know what? I already think I do that.
*** Anne Heche Just Says No to
allegations that she's the one that
supplied Robert Downey, Jr. with his career-ending drugs. Don't they
both have a
habit of randomly showing up at strangers doors? Maybe you'll have a
ask them all about it yourself. I, myself, look forward to the
just hope they bring their own drugs.
*** Eminem and his wife are
reconciling. I always thought
"reconciling" meant "to get back together and give things another
try." Leave it to a wordsmith like Eminem to redefine things for all of
"Reconcile" now means "to dump her body and hide the knife."
Is she crazy or just nuts? I guess it really doesn't mather.
*** According to the Canadian Medical
Association Journal, Winnie The Pooh
and his pals are all "seriously troubled" and in need of psychoactive
medications. This is the kind of research you get when you have "free"
*** Hillary Clinton's memoir sold for
$8 million dollars. Tentative title
"Crouching Husband, Hidden Intern".
*** The British tabloid Sun ran a
photo of Prince William cleaning a
toilet. I gotta figure this made news because it's the first time a
the royal family has ever done anything. And, what exactly was he
trying to hide
by scrubbing away so diligently? I prefer to leave a little residue for
guy. If nothing else, it helps to drown out the smell of the
*** Not that anyone cares, but Madonna
is now set to marry some guy named
Ritchie. Hey, get a last name, will ya?
*** Arnold Schwarzenegger said
recently that he won't be in any more
"mindless" action movies. If we can keep him away from
"mindless" comedies too, he'll be forced to retire.
*** New research claims that smoking
marijuana will slow down sperm. So
will masturbating to pictures of Rosie O'Donnell. Where's my research
finding that out?
*** Boris Yeltsin can see clearly now
after undergoing successful cataract
surgery. First thing he noticed was that his glass was empty and he
*** Among the most unsafe toys
recalled this past year: Pokemon Balls.
Kids were choking on them. Hey kids, keep the toy testicles out of your
and you might live a little longer. This Pokemon Ball recall was
probably one of
the easiest. There's only two, right?
*** Lawyers who work for the poor in
New York are threatening to quit if
they don't get a raise. And a better class of clients, maybe? Look, if
didn't learn how to screw the system for big bucks in law school,
just not worth the extra money. Now get back to work and enjoy the
*** The FTC has finally approved that
AOL/ Time Warner merger. Gee, I wish
I had an AOL disk for every day I've been hearing about this merger.
have about 500 disks, but that's about half what I have now.
*** Gwyneth Paltrow's stalker was
convicted this week. Well, I guess we
won't be seeing Mr. Ripley around much for awhile.
*** Timothy McVeigh, convicted
Oklahoma City Bomber, says he wants to stop
all appeals and be executed within four months. How can a man so crazy
sanely? One thing, why the four month wait? What's he gotta do? Break
his cellmate? See Paris? What?
*** Cynthia Luther, 300 pound airline
passenger, was charged for two seats
by Southwest Airlines. I'll bet she stopped complaining when they fed
*** Lastly, the retarded sure do make
a lot of news in Texas. Whether
being executed or elected, it's just one big drool-fest down there.
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