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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-22-00

*** Why? Why did they make a sequel to President Bush when the first one really wasn't any good?

*** President Bush 2 met with Bill Clinton for what many are calling the photo-op of the year. If you discount the Salma Hayek/ Jennifer Lopez meeting, but I may have just been dreaming that one.

*** Bush 2 also met with Al Gore for some additional photos. Hasn't Al Gore turned into the kind of loser my Dad always told me I was? Just asking.

*** Bill Clinton had some advice for our next president. He thinks Bush 2 should watch the movie "High Noon" before taking office. Wow, he must really hate Bush 2. I've seen that Tom Skerritt movie when it played on TNT channel a few months back. What an endurance test.  

*** So, what do you think Bill Clinton's gonna do with his upcoming copious amounts of free time? He's often said a blow job's a nice job if you can get it. But it can't fill up all his time. Or can it?

*** There was talk he would do a talk show. But since Howard Stern signed for another 5 years Bill's not as interested.

*** According to a new tally there are now more blacks in the Bush 2 cabinet than actually voted for him. It's true. I mean, Clarence Thomas was the only black to vote for him, wasn't he?

*** I'll bet if this so-called director Guy Ritchie ever makes a hit movie it'll be goodbye Madonna and hello young lovers wherever you are. Who is he kidding? Nobody knew who he was six months ago. Even his parents were happy to meet him at the wedding. So, good luck and get what you can before it all dries up. I'd say in about a year.

*** Gwyneth Paltrow was Madonna's maid-of-honor. Boy, that Madonna's got money. To have a movie star as your maid must take some serious coinage.

*** Is it just my imagination or does every Mark Russell special (sic) have a parody of "76 Trombones" in it?

*** I just had the best pee I can ever remember. It was a golden yellow color, the volume was good (both the sound and amount), it was just great. The only thing that would have made it better is if my brother was there. I miss the poor old dead bastard.

*** According to Lycos, Britney Spears is the most searched for person on the internet. I think they left something out there. Isn't it "Britney Spears NAKED"? I've searched for that myself.

*** Did you hear about the man who went after his wife with an axe during a dispute over a Phil Collins CD? All I can figure is she must have been playing it.

*** In a recent interview, George Harrison said that the whole world's going mental. Getting attacked in your own home will make you think like that. He cited as evidence the fact that someone actually paid money for him to re-record "My Sweet Lord".

*** According to Wireless Technology Research, cell phones do not cause cancer. And according to Hershey, chocolate doesn't cause acne. What does any of this prove? That self-funded research can come up with whatever results you're looking for? Listen, when all of you cell-phone addicts out there start getting tumors the size of your own head don't bother calling me on my cell. I'm trying to cut back.

*** Rockefeller Center was sold for 1.85 billion dollars. But if you're not too picky you can probably still rent a Rockette for the night for under $100.

*** Did you hear about that prisoner who tried to sue Penthouse for it's "disappointing" Paula Jones layout? How disappointing was it? Well, for one thing, they forgot to put the bag on her head. And, for another, she wasn't urinating.

*** There's a new pill just available to help with compulsive shopping. It's available at Rite Aid Drug Stores everywhere. Get yours today. Side effects may include having extra money and anal leakage.

*** They must be putting this pill in the water supply because X-mas sales are off, big time. Either that or people have just forgotten the true meaning of X-mas: buying stuff. You don't still believe in X, do you? C'mon, grow up, will ya?

*** Why do people over-decorate their houses at X-mas time? (I could ask, why do people decorate their houses at all, but I'm no Scrooge McDuck.) But really, why all the lights? Do people think, "Hmmm! You know, honey, our electric bill really isn't high enough, any suggestions on how we can triple it?"

*** And why do they bring trees indoors? What, is it too cold to take the dog outside for a walk?

*** Here's how to make your very own holiday egg nog: 1 qt of milk, 1 qt of Jack Daniels, a dozen raw eggs. Blend and drink. When that stuff comes back up you'll have all the egg nog you could ever want.

*** Isn't it funny how the murder rate always goes up during the holidays? Something about spending all that time with loved ones that makes a guy just wanna kill someone. 

*** Hey, kids, if you get everything on that list you sent Santa, all I can say is you didn't ask for enough.

*** Speaking of Santa, did you hear about that woman who was fired from her job as a mall Santa? Actually, nobody knew she was a woman till they saw her buying a ticket to see "What Women Want".

*** I can't wait to see what gifts I'll be returning this year.

*** Well, I gotta go. I've got some last minute shopping to do. Hope the 7-11 is still open. 

And, that’s that.

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