*** Why? Why did they make a sequel to
President Bush when the first one
really wasn't any good?
*** President Bush 2 met with Bill
Clinton for what many are calling the
photo-op of the year. If you discount the Salma Hayek/ Jennifer Lopez
but I may have just been dreaming that one.
*** Bush 2 also met with Al Gore for
some additional photos. Hasn't Al Gore
turned into the kind of loser my Dad always told me I was? Just asking.
*** Bill Clinton had some advice for
our next president. He thinks Bush 2
should watch the movie "High Noon" before taking office. Wow, he must
really hate Bush 2. I've seen that Tom Skerritt movie when it played on
channel a few months back. What an endurance test.
*** So, what do you think Bill
Clinton's gonna do with his upcoming
copious amounts of free time? He's often said a blow job's a nice job
if you can
get it. But it can't fill up all his time. Or can it?
*** There was talk he would do a talk
show. But since Howard Stern signed
for another 5 years Bill's not as interested.
*** According to a new tally there are
now more blacks in the Bush 2 cabinet
than actually voted for him. It's true. I mean, Clarence Thomas was the
black to vote for him, wasn't he?
*** I'll bet if this so-called
director Guy Ritchie ever makes a hit movie
it'll be goodbye Madonna and hello young lovers wherever you are. Who
kidding? Nobody knew who he was six months ago. Even his parents were
meet him at the wedding. So, good luck and get what you can before it
up. I'd say in about a year.
*** Gwyneth Paltrow was Madonna's
maid-of-honor. Boy, that Madonna's got
money. To have a movie star as your maid must take some serious coinage.
*** Is it just my imagination or does
every Mark Russell special (sic) have a
parody of "76 Trombones" in it?
*** I just had the best pee I can ever
remember. It was a golden yellow
color, the volume was good (both the sound and amount), it was just
only thing that would have made it better is if my brother was there. I
the poor old dead bastard.
*** According to Lycos, Britney Spears
is the most searched for person on
the internet. I think they left something out there. Isn't it "Britney
Spears NAKED"? I've searched for that myself.
*** Did you hear about the man who
went after his wife with an axe during
a dispute over a Phil Collins CD? All I can figure is she must have
*** In a recent interview, George
Harrison said that the whole world's
going mental. Getting attacked in your own home will make you think
like that. He
cited as evidence the fact that someone actually paid money for him to
"My Sweet Lord".
*** According to Wireless Technology
Research, cell phones do not cause
cancer. And according to Hershey, chocolate doesn't cause acne. What
does any of
this prove? That self-funded research can come up with whatever results
looking for? Listen, when all of you cell-phone addicts out there start
tumors the size of your own head don't bother calling me on my cell.
to cut back.
*** Rockefeller Center was sold for
1.85 billion dollars. But if you're
not too picky you can probably still rent a Rockette for the night for
*** Did you hear about that prisoner
who tried to sue Penthouse for it's
"disappointing" Paula Jones layout? How disappointing was it? Well,
for one thing, they forgot to put the bag on her head. And, for
*** There's a new pill just available
to help with compulsive shopping.
It's available at Rite Aid Drug Stores everywhere. Get yours today.
may include having extra money and anal leakage.
*** They must be putting this pill in
the water supply because X-mas sales
are off, big time. Either that or people have just forgotten the true
X-mas: buying stuff. You don't still believe in X, do you? C'mon, grow
*** Why do people over-decorate their
houses at X-mas time? (I could ask,
why do people decorate their houses at all, but I'm no Scrooge McDuck.)
really, why all the lights? Do people think, "Hmmm! You know, honey,
electric bill really isn't high enough, any suggestions on how we can
*** And why do they bring trees
indoors? What, is it too cold to take the
dog outside for a walk?
*** Here's how to make your very own
holiday egg nog: 1 qt of milk, 1 qt
of Jack Daniels, a dozen raw eggs. Blend and drink. When that stuff
up you'll have all the egg nog you could ever want.
*** Isn't it funny how the murder rate
always goes up during the holidays?
Something about spending all that time with loved ones that makes a guy
wanna kill someone.
*** Hey, kids, if you get everything
on that list you sent Santa, all I
can say is you didn't ask for enough.
*** Speaking of Santa, did you hear
about that woman who was fired from
her job as a mall Santa? Actually, nobody knew she was a woman till
they saw her
buying a ticket to see "What Women Want".
*** I can't wait to see what gifts
I'll be returning this year.
*** Well, I gotta go. I've got some
last minute shopping to do. Hope the
7-11 is still open.
And, that’s that.
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