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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-22-01

*** Did you see those Cleveland Brown fans throwing beer bottles at the refs? Those refs are so blind they didn't know what hit them.

*** If this starts a trend and there's now a riot every time your home team loses, then we might as well start printing United States maps without Detroit.

*** Speaking of the Detroit Lions, they finally won a game. This led many of their fans (okay, the three guys left) to throw their bottles in the trash.

*** This Cleveland riot has led to the widespread banning of bottled beer sales at many stadiums. Which makes me wonder, are cans somehow less aerodynamic? I mean, you can still take someone's eye out with a can, right?

*** If they outlaw beer bottles at sporting events then only outlaws will have beer bottles. I think what we really have to do is outlaw outlaws.

*** Some of those beer bottle throwers have better arms than some pro quarterbacks. I really think they should try out for the prison team when they get there.

*** At least the riot didn't end in sudden death overtime.

*** Do you think cheerleaders have a rhyming cheer for punts?

*** Why would Tom Green divorce Drew Barrymore? I think it was all that "Riding in Cars With Boys" she was doing.

*** I guess this officially puts Tom Green out of the Drew Barrymore movie cameo business so he can now focus all of his attention on "Freddy Got Fingered Again".

*** That makes this divorce the worst show business disaster since, well, since "Freddy Got Fingered".

*** I like Drew Barrymore, but she's gonna have to get fumigated before I'd even fuck her with my dog's dick.

*** I know, I know. There's a fat chance I'll ever even meet Drew Barrymore. But on the plus side there's also a thin chance.

*** Have I got this right? Did our President cancel a BM treaty? Something smells here.

*** Everyone keeps asking, "Where's Osama bin Laden? Where's Osama bin Laden?" I think he's hiding out with Waldo.

*** Waldo is the Secret Service code name for Dick Cheney.

*** Mike Tyson made news again. He's accused of punching former boxer Mitchell Rose right after Mr. Rose called Mr. Tyson's companions "chicken heads". Gentlemen, please! If Mr. Tyson's companions were indeed "chicken heads", don't you think he would've at least taken a bite out of them?

*** You know that expression "running around like a chicken with its head cut off"? Do you think that only refers to post-axe-swing activity? First time I heard it I thought it meant the rooster was too tired, lazy, or busy to go down on the chicken.

*** By the way, which came first: the chicken or the egg? I gotta figure it was the egg. Eggs are always getting laid, but if you look at one you'd be hard-pressed to figure out how he'd ever get a chicken off.

*** Oh, and that guy who recorded "Funky Chicken", good old What's-His-Name, died this week. Just a side note: "Funky Chicken" is what my wife calls the third day of leftovers.

*** Can you believe they made a movie out of "Lord of the Dance" starring Elijah Wood and NOT Michael Flatley? This is sacrilege of the highest order, my friends.

*** I can't wait to see that new "Lord of the Ring" movie. Does "Ali" open this week or next week?

*** They just don't make toys like they used to. Does anyone else remember "Frodo"? The African-American "Play-Doh".

*** Former "M*A*S*H" star Loretta Swit will be starring in a London stage production of "The Vagina Monologues". It's been so long since anyone's been interested in her vagina that her new nickname is "Not-So-Hot Lips".

*** There's only four more days till X-mas. So, you'd better Fed-Ex it if you want your anthrax get there in time.

*** Lastly, what would Jesus do to celebrate X-mas? Probably just bitch and moan about getting just one present for both his birthday AND X-mas.

And, that’s that.

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