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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-29-00

*** All week long I keep hearing people ask, "Why would anyone want to kill their co-workers?" Evidently these are people who work alone.

*** Shannon Doherty was arrested for drunk-driving. Gee, I didn't even know she had political aspirations. You go girl!

*** In other big news, Billy Barty died. I hear it will be a small funeral: just family, friends, and other midgets.

*** Both Bradlee's and Montgomery Wards are going out of business. Now where's the wife supposed to get her overpriced purple eye-shadow? Oh, yeah! K-Mart! No problem.

*** Russian President Vladimir Putin has approved the new Soviet national anthem. Oddly enough it's the old "Batman" theme from the TV show. How strange.

*** According to a new US Today/ CNN poll, Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. What a bunch of shit! I don't even think she's the most admired woman by her husband. Give me a break.

*** Eric Franklin Rosser, former keyboard player for John Mellon-Cougar-Camp, was placed on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List for his involvement in child pornography. This is the closest Cougar-Mellon-Head has come to the Top 10 since the '80s.

*** A riot broke out in a Denver, Colorado prison when there was a delay in the start of a showing of the Jennifer Lopez movie "The Cell." This is the first Jennifer Lopez related violence that has nothing to do with Puff Daddy.

*** Jenna Bush, one of Time Magazine's Man of The Year's twin 19-year-old daughters, had her appendix removed this week. Word is that it wasn't an immediately necessary operation, but just a way to insure that Georgie Bush will be able to tell them apart.

*** A new study has concluded that allergies to MSG may not exist. What a relief. I can finally go to Madison Square Garden without breaking out in hives.

*** Women who are seeking to mislead others by getting breast implants should know that most of the information on the Internet is misleading. Fake information about fake tits? Unbelievable. And if you think you're being lied to now, just wait till you get the implants. For more reliable info, check out: http://www.booby, booby, boobs.boing

*** More research shows that students who sleep their mornings away will have lower GPAs. You know, I always failed those morning classes I never went to. Now I know why. Thanks, researchers. 

*** The British Medical Journal reports that constipation is NOT the root of all evil. Jerry Falwell is. Constipation is only #2.

*** Some Ohio State University researchers say that malcontent employees are more likely to leave their job than those who are satisfied. This probably explains why I can't hire a full-time colon hydro-therapist for more than a week. Thanks again, researchers.

*** There's talk of a sequel to "The First Wive's Club". Why? Are those gals STILL angry? Please don't do this.

*** I'll bet the programmers over at Turner Classic Movies think they're so clever airing "2001" at midnight on New Year's Eve. I wonder if they have a screening of "One Million Years B.C." scheduled for the year "One Million". 

*** Barbra Streisand's son, Jason Gould, has finally come out. It's true. They caught him listening to his mom's music and he just couldn't hide it anymore. He's queer, get used to it.

*** According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, breast-feeding isn't always easy. Yeah, especially for men.

*** The NASDAQ is down a total of 39% for the year. So, everyone who wanted to make a killing in the stock market this year better go find their broker and kill him. You've got till midnight Sunday.

*** They say there's now a new simple injection to cure snoring. New? It's called cyanide. That's not new.

*** I plan to eat dinner New Year's Eve at Taco Bell. Why buy a noisemaker when you can make your own?

*** How many people out there plan to watch the ball drop on New Year's Eve? Well, if you happen to be golfing with Michael Douglas and it's your ball that drops, you might get a sizeable check out of it. 

*** When was the last time you really had fun on New Year's Eve? Be honest. If it weren't for all the vomiting I don't think I'd have any fun at all. 

*** Lastly, according to Census results you are just one of 281, 421, 906 Americans. Well, with all the drinking, forced celebration, and angry guys looking for their brokers this weekend, that number is sure to drop.

And, that’s that.

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