*** All week long I keep hearing
people ask, "Why would anyone want
to kill their co-workers?" Evidently these are people who work alone.
*** Shannon Doherty was arrested for
drunk-driving. Gee, I didn't even
know she had political aspirations. You go girl!
*** In other big news, Billy Barty
died. I hear it will be a small
funeral: just family, friends, and other midgets.
*** Both Bradlee's and Montgomery
Wards are going out of business. Now
where's the wife supposed to get her overpriced purple eye-shadow? Oh,
K-Mart! No problem.
*** Russian President Vladimir Putin
has approved the new Soviet national
anthem. Oddly enough it's the old "Batman" theme from the TV show. How
*** According to a new US Today/ CNN
poll, Hillary Clinton is the most
admired woman in America. What a bunch of shit! I don't even think
most admired woman by her husband. Give me a break.
*** Eric Franklin Rosser, former
keyboard player for John
Mellon-Cougar-Camp, was placed on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted List for
involvement in child pornography. This is the closest
come to the Top 10 since the '80s.
*** A riot broke out in a Denver,
Colorado prison when there was a delay
in the start of a showing of the Jennifer Lopez movie "The Cell." This
is the first Jennifer Lopez related violence that has nothing to do
*** Jenna Bush, one of Time Magazine's
Man of The Year's twin 19-year-old
daughters, had her appendix removed this week. Word is that it wasn't
immediately necessary operation, but just a way to insure that Georgie
be able to tell them apart.
*** A new study has concluded that
allergies to MSG may not exist. What a
relief. I can finally go to Madison Square Garden without breaking out
*** Women who are seeking to mislead
others by getting breast implants
should know that most of the information on the Internet is misleading.
information about fake tits? Unbelievable. And if you think you're
being lied to
now, just wait till you get the implants. For more reliable info, check
*** More research shows that students
who sleep their mornings away will
have lower GPAs. You know, I always failed those morning classes I
to. Now I know why. Thanks, researchers.
*** The British Medical Journal
reports that constipation is NOT the root
of all evil. Jerry Falwell is. Constipation is only #2.
*** Some Ohio State University
researchers say that malcontent employees
are more likely to leave their job than those who are satisfied. This
explains why I can't hire a full-time colon hydro-therapist for more
week. Thanks again, researchers.
*** There's talk of a sequel to "The
First Wive's Club". Why?
Are those gals STILL angry? Please don't do this.
*** I'll bet the programmers over at
Turner Classic Movies think they're
so clever airing "2001" at midnight on New Year's Eve. I wonder if
they have a screening of "One Million Years B.C." scheduled for the
year "One Million".
*** Barbra Streisand's son, Jason
Gould, has finally come out. It's true.
They caught him listening to his mom's music and he just couldn't hide
anymore. He's queer, get used to it.
*** According to the American Academy
of Pediatrics, breast-feeding isn't
always easy. Yeah, especially for men.
*** The NASDAQ is down a total of 39%
for the year. So, everyone who
wanted to make a killing in the stock market this year better go find
broker and kill him. You've got till midnight Sunday.
*** They say there's now a new simple
injection to cure snoring. New? It's
called cyanide. That's not new.
*** I plan to eat dinner New Year's
Eve at Taco Bell. Why buy a noisemaker
when you can make your own?
*** How many people out there plan to
watch the ball drop on New Year's
Eve? Well, if you happen to be golfing with Michael Douglas and it's
that drops, you might get a sizeable check out of it.
*** When was the last time you really
had fun on New Year's Eve? Be
honest. If it weren't for all the vomiting I don't think I'd have any
*** Lastly, according to Census
results you are just one of 281, 421, 906
Americans. Well, with all the drinking, forced celebration, and angry
looking for their brokers this weekend, that number is sure to drop.
And, that’s that.
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