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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 12-29-01

*** If you really want to understand terrorists --- try walking a mile in their exploding sneakers.

*** Do you think a guy wearing exploding sneakers cares if his socks have holes in them?

*** I guess this Shoe-Bomb Guy was getting tired of his Americanized little piggies always going to market or going to town and finally decided they should all go to Allah.

*** No matter where this guy goes he's always in a potential Toe-Away Zone.

*** Isn't there a smarter way to blow up a plane full of people? Instead of the Maxwell Smarter way he chose.

*** Do you think as he was getting off the plane the flight attendant still told him, "Watch your step."?

*** I think it was Socrates, or it could've been some other wise dead guy, who said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But if you're wearing exploding sneakers parts of you can get there a lot quicker."

*** Maybe he's not a terrorist. Maybe he was just trying to give himself a hot foot.

*** Women in high heels make me shoe horny.

*** Our Fearless Leader, George W. Bush, joined the American Lesion this week.

*** Bush had four lesions removed from his face with liquid nitrogen. Liquid nitrogen?!! Isn't that the same stuff Shoe-Bomb Guy had in his sneakers?

*** The lesions were then taken to an undisclosed, secure location.

*** Doesn't "A Bush With Lesions" sound like just about the best you can do after last call?

*** But don't worry. He's all right. And so are his domestic and environmental policies.

*** Speaking of the Administration's health concerns, isn't it about time for Dick Cheney's monthly heart attack?

*** "Lord of the Rings" has proved to be so popular there's even talk of a sequel. If they can only get that Tolkein guy to write one.

*** It's surprisingly turned out to be quite a date movie. A First Date movie for most, but still.

*** Every time I hear the word "Elvish" I think it's a Presley fan with a lisp.

*** Paul McCartney has called on the British government to ban fox hunting. He called it "cruel, unnecessary and outdated." That's easy for him to say. As a Beatle he can get all the foxes he wants. They'll even line up. Me? The closest I've ever come to a fox was a dog.

*** Kevin Costner's Epiphany restaurant celebrated its six-month anniversary. How long will that have to stay open before it loses as much as any one of his last ten films?

*** Here's a last minute last minute shopping tip for you. The world as we know it will end on August 1st, 2002 at precisely 8PM. So get in line no later than 7:50PM.

*** I plan to eat dinner New Year's Eve at Taco Bell. Why buy a noise maker when you can make your own?

*** Be honest. When was the last time you really had fun on New Year's Eve? If it weren't for all the vomiting I don't think I'd have any fun at all.

*** I'm not sure what my New Year's resolution will be this year. But next year I'm going right after that damn procrastination.

*** Lastly, may Osama bin Laden's life last as long as most New Year's resolutions.

And, that’s that.

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