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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 06-29-00

*** So, Nancy Marchand died. I knew her. She’d always rebuff my advances saying "Over my dead body!" Well, I’ve got a hard-on and a shovel and I know where you’re buried. Be seein’ you soon, babe.

*** So, Art Buchwald had a stroke. Eleven more and he might ejaculate.

*** Say, if Art Buchwald dies does that make Mark Russell the funniest of the unfunny guys that talk about politics?

*** So, I heard Bruce Springsteen singing about 41 shots. First time I heard it I thought he was singing about my breakfast.  Then I remembered I don’t drink over 40 shots till lunch.

*** I was excited to get my hands on the Britney Spears book. But, what’s with all the writing? Did she learn nothing from Madonna?  Where are the nude pictures with the dog? Talk about a boner kill.

*** So, Elian Gonzales is finally back in Cuba. Just in time for his first prostate exam.

*** If gas prices get any higher I’m gonna have to break out the old hot pants and start hitchhiking everywhere. I always seem to get more sex when I hitchhike. If you can call giving hand-jobs to truckers sex.

*** The second most common phrase on everyone’s lips five years from now will be, "Who the hell is Gil Bellows?" The most common phrase will continue to be, "What’s that smell?" I seem to hear that all the time. Always have.

*** I’ve often heard actors and actresses say that "the camera" adds ten pounds. Hey, Rosie O’Donnell, stop eating so many TV cameras, okay!

*** I’m starting to get used to the diarrhea, but cleaning up afterwards is still a chore. Good thing I have kids.

*** Not since Nathan Lane had a show has there been a more seemingly made-for-gays-only show than the upcoming Bette Midler show.

*** So, everyone’s talking about the mapping of the human g-nome. What’s next? Elves, dwarfs, and leprechauns? What a waste of time and money.

*** Dennis Miller, that guy that talks to the giant M&Ms between your favorite TV shows, has been hired to sit in the booth during Monday Night Football. I sure hope it’s a sound-proof booth. Can’t we just watch these felons play their little game without all the yakkety-yak?

*** Paul Wunder, the "best film" critic of this or any other generation, died recently. He led a "four-star" life and we look forward to an "Oscar-caliber" funeral. Goodbye, friend.

And, that’s that.

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