*** So, Nancy Marchand died. I knew
her. She’d always rebuff my advances
saying "Over my dead body!" Well, I’ve got a hard-on and a shovel
and I know where you’re buried. Be seein’ you soon, babe.
*** So, Art Buchwald had a stroke.
Eleven more and he might ejaculate.
*** Say, if Art Buchwald dies does
that make Mark Russell the funniest of
the unfunny guys that talk about politics?
*** So, I heard Bruce Springsteen
singing about 41 shots. First time I
heard it I thought he was singing about my breakfast. Then I
don’t drink over 40 shots till lunch.
*** I was excited to get my hands on
the Britney Spears book. But, what’s
with all the writing? Did she learn nothing from Madonna? Where
nude pictures with the dog? Talk about a boner kill.
*** So, Elian Gonzales is finally back
in Cuba. Just in time for his first
*** If gas prices get any higher
I’m gonna have to break out the old hot
pants and start hitchhiking everywhere. I always seem to get more sex
hitchhike. If you can call giving hand-jobs to truckers sex.
*** The second most common phrase on
everyone’s lips five years from now
will be, "Who the hell is Gil Bellows?" The most common phrase will
continue to be, "What’s that smell?" I seem to hear that all the
time. Always have.
*** I’ve often heard actors and
actresses say that "the
camera" adds ten pounds. Hey, Rosie O’Donnell, stop eating so
*** I’m starting to get used to
the diarrhea, but cleaning up afterwards
is still a chore. Good thing I have kids.
*** Not since Nathan Lane had a show
has there been a more seemingly
made-for-gays-only show than the upcoming Bette Midler show.
*** So, everyone’s talking about
the mapping of the human g-nome. What’s
next? Elves, dwarfs, and leprechauns? What a waste of time and money.
*** Dennis Miller, that guy that talks
to the giant M&Ms between your
favorite TV shows, has been hired to sit in the booth during Monday
Football. I sure hope it’s a sound-proof booth. Can’t we
just watch these
felons play their little game without all the yakkety-yak?
*** Paul Wunder, the "best film"
critic of this or any other
generation, died recently. He led a "four-star" life and we look
forward to an "Oscar-caliber" funeral. Goodbye, friend.
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