| *** Who’s the black private dick that’s a
sex-machine to all the chicks? I am,
that’s who! When the hell will
Hollywood stop stealing stories from my life to base their hit movies
on. First
it was “Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo” and now
“Shaft”. Stop it already, okay. Stop it or pay me.
*** I don’t know why everyone
seems to have a problem
with gay scoutmasters. Hey, if it weren’t for a couple of
really
dedicated gay scoutmasters I never would have earned my sodomy merit
badge.
*** Who is this Darva Conger woman
anyway? And why do my
pants always get tight whenever I see pictures of her? Wait a minute,
I’m not
wearing any pants. I better get to a doctor.
*** Why do all my family reunions end up
on the TV show
Cops?
*** So, the Supreme Court says that
partial birth
abortions are okay. This is so wrong. I’ve seen the Oliver Stone
directed
classic film “The Hand”, so I know what sorts of evilness
body-parts can do
when left on their own.I say if
you’re going to do an abortion do it all the way. There
should be
nothing “partial” about it.
*** Have you noticed there are a lot of
fat guys wearing
tank-tops that don’t quite fit them. And I’ve been wasting
all this time
trying to find a tank-top in my size. Apparently, “my size”
is now three
sizes smaller than it used to be. I am so out-of-touch when it comes to
fashion.
*** So, Mike Myers turned down a movie
saying he
didn’t like the script. Isn’t this the same guy that was in
“So, I Married
An Ax Murderer”, “54” and all those
“Halloween” movies? Just asking.
*** Did you hear about the nine people
that
died at the Pearl Jam concert? Am I living in a world full of
pessimists,
or what? Nobody even mentions the 49,991 other concert-goers that lived
to die
some other time.
*** Looks like “The Perfect
Storm” is a big hit. Two
and a half hours of bad weather. I can’t even bring myself to
stop at the
Weather Channel.
*** People magazine has once again
excluded me from its
list of the most eligible bachelors. Why? Just because I’m
married?
*** So, they’ve just announced
plans for a remake of
“The Breakfast Club”. One can only hope it’s as good
as that remake of
“Psycho” from a couple of years back. I sure do hope they
can update it to
make it relevant for today’s teens. Maybe after detention they
all go to the
prom.
*** Lastly, I must
apologize for last week’s column
and particularly to Nancy Marchand. I really did think I knew where you
were
buried. I’m sorry, I didn’t.It turned out to be the graves
of those dead guys from Lynyrd Skynyrd. Again, I’m
sorry.
And, that’s that.
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