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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 07-07-00
*** Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex-machine to all the chicks? I am, that’s who! When the hell will Hollywood stop stealing stories from my life to base their hit movies on. First it was “Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo” and now “Shaft”. Stop it already, okay. Stop it or pay me.

*** I don’t know why everyone seems to have a problem with gay scoutmasters. Hey, if it weren’t for a couple of really dedicated gay scoutmasters I never would have earned my sodomy merit badge.

*** Who is this Darva Conger woman anyway? And why do my pants always get tight whenever I see pictures of her? Wait a minute, I’m not wearing any pants. I better get to a doctor.

*** Why do all my family reunions end up on the TV show Cops?

*** So, the Supreme Court says that partial birth abortions are okay. This is so wrong. I’ve seen the Oliver Stone directed classic film “The Hand”, so I know what sorts of evilness body-parts can do when left on their own.I say if you’re going to do an abortion do it all the way. There should be nothing “partial” about it. 

*** Have you noticed there are a lot of fat guys wearing tank-tops that don’t quite fit them. And I’ve been wasting all this time trying to find a tank-top in my size. Apparently, “my size” is now three sizes smaller than it used to be. I am so out-of-touch when it comes to fashion.

*** So, Mike Myers turned down a movie saying he didn’t like the script. Isn’t this the same guy that was in “So, I Married An Ax Murderer”, “54” and all those “Halloween” movies? Just asking. 

*** Did you hear about the nine people that died at the Pearl Jam concert? Am I living in a world full of pessimists, or what? Nobody even mentions the 49,991 other concert-goers that lived to die some other time. 

*** Looks like “The Perfect Storm” is a big hit. Two and a half hours of bad weather. I can’t even bring myself to stop at the Weather Channel.

*** People magazine has once again excluded me from its list of the most eligible bachelors. Why? Just because I’m married? 

*** So, they’ve just announced plans for a remake of “The Breakfast Club”. One can only hope it’s as good as that remake of “Psycho” from a couple of years back. I sure do hope they can update it to make it relevant for today’s teens. Maybe after detention they all go to the prom.

*** Lastly, I must apologize for last week’s column and particularly to Nancy Marchand. I really did think I knew where you were buried. I’m sorry, I didn’t.It turned out to be the graves of those dead guys from Lynyrd Skynyrd. Again, I’m sorry. 

And, that’s that.

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