*** I don’t know why everyone seems to have a problem with gay scoutmasters. Hey, if it weren’t for a couple of really dedicated gay scoutmasters I never would have earned my sodomy merit badge.

*** Who is this Darva Conger woman anyway? And why do my pants always get tight whenever I see pictures of her? Wait a minute, I’m not wearing any pants. I better get to a doctor.

*** Why do all my family reunions end up on the TV show Cops?

*** So, the Supreme Court says that partial birth abortions are okay. This is so wrong. I’ve seen the Oliver Stone directed classic film “The Hand”, so I know what sorts of evilness body-parts can do when left on their own.I say if you’re going to do an abortion do it all the way. There should be nothing “partial” about it. 

*** Have you noticed there are a lot of fat guys wearing tank-tops that don’t quite fit them. And I’ve been wasting all this time trying to find a tank-top in my size. Apparently, “my size” is now three sizes smaller than it used to be. I am so out-of-touch when it comes to fashion.

*** So, Mike Myers turned down a movie saying he didn’t like the script. Isn’t this the same guy that was in “So, I Married An Ax Murderer”, “54” and all those “Halloween” movies? Just asking. 

*** Did you hear about the nine people that died at the Pearl Jam concert? Am I living in a world full of pessimists, or what? Nobody even mentions the 49,991 other concert-goers that lived to die some other time. 

*** Looks like “The Perfect Storm” is a big hit. Two and a half hours of bad weather. I can’t even bring myself to stop at the Weather Channel.

*** People magazine has once again excluded me from its list of the most eligible bachelors. Why? Just because I’m married? 

*** So, they’ve just announced plans for a remake of “The Breakfast Club”. One can only hope it’s as good as that remake of “Psycho” from a couple of years back. I sure do hope they can update it to make it relevant for today’s teens. Maybe after detention they all go to the prom.