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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 07-13-00
*** So, everyone’s talking about this new TV show “Big Brother”. Ten people locked in a house with cameras everywhere, even in the bathroom. Hey, If wanna see someone taking a dump I’ll go visit Mom at the Home.

*** So, the new Mexican president Vicente Fox says that he’ll run Mexico like a business. He’ll burn it to the ground and collect the insurance.

*** Brendan Fraser has just been signed to star as “The Incredible Hulk”. That “Incredible Hunk” as “The Incredible Hulk”. It sounds too good to be true. I just hope they can at least match the special effects of the TV show. If so, I’m there opening day. 

*** So, Sharon Stone says you won’t be seeing her bush in “Basic Instinct 2”. What did she do --- shave it off?

*** The latest medical research says that drinking in moderation is good for your health. Hey, I’ve been telling my friends for years they should drink more if they want to be as healthy as I am. 

*** I wet the bed last night. My goddamn colostomy bag is leaking again.  

*** Heinz announced plans to release a “green” ketchup on the market. And they’re calling this “new”? Hell, I’ve had the same bottle of green ketchup in my refrigerator for the past twenty years. It’s right next to the blue mustard.

*** You’ll never catch my kids reading those Harry Potter books. They’re retarded. I can’t even get them to read “Stop” signs without needing a bookmark. 

*** So, pop singer Mandy Moore says she wants to be real famous but she won’t wear any skimpy outfits to get there. All I can say to that is “Next!” 

*** So, Bobby Brown just got released from jail. Doesn’t this seem to happen every other month? He got time off for good behavior. Maybe if he demonstrated some of that “good behavior” outside of jail he wouldn’t have to go to jail in the first place. Oh, wait, I forgot --- he’s black. He could get arrested just for breathing wrong during a yoga class. Never mind.

*** So, Bryant Gumbel called a guest a “fucking idiot”. Hey, Bryant, don’t you think you’re being a little harsh? I saw the interview with Robert Knight from the Family Research Council. Clearly the man is an asshole. But a “fucking idiot”? If he’s a fucking idiot, what term do we use for Pat Buchanan?

*** Former game-show celebrity Charles Nelson Reilly will be doing a one-man-show on Broadway based on his life in show-biz. This show will close in “BLANK” days.

*** So, according to Spike Lee, “The Patriot” is an inaccurate historical portrait because it has no slaves in it. Does that make “Mandingo” a more accurate historical portrait because it has slaves in it? Just asking. 

And, that’s that.

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