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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 07-21-00
*** So, Frederick’s of Hollywood is going out of business. I guess now I’ll have to make my own edible panties. Really, I have to. The kids won’t eat anything else. Now, what’s that recipe again? “In the front there’s cream and Lemonade,  Around the back is where fudge is made.” 

*** I went to see “Scary Movie” expecting to be scared out of my pants. What a huge disappointment! This movie has more Wayans brothers in it than scares. On the plus side, my pants came off anyway. 

*** What the hell am I supposed to do with all this urine? Just a warning folks --- be careful what you wish for. 

*** I won’t be going to see that new “X Men” movie. I prefer triple X films. And no “Men”, thank you very much. Geez, does everything have to be made for gays anymore? 

*** I was at that Cher convention in Chicago. Five hundred of her thousands of fans were all waiting for Cher to show up. It’s a good thing I’d remembered to shave my legs, ass, belly, and back. My impression was flawless, I believe. It’s too bad I’ll have to wait about a month, until that cut on my forehead heals, before I can do that again. Goddamn flying dildos! 

*** Hillary Clinton continues to deny calling a former campaign worker a “fucking Jew bastard”. Hey, I believe her. I mean, how was she supposed to know if his parents were married or not. 

*** MTV has hired boy band 98 Degrees to encourage young people to vote. This raises two important questions: 1. Exactly when did the voting age get lowered to twelve? and 2. Do we really want to encourage NAMBLA members to vote? 

*** So, they want to make it illegal to use a cell phone while driving. Can I still dry my hair, shave, eat, and masturbate while driving? If so, I’ll gladly make all my calls from home. No problem.

*** Don Imus returned to the airwaves for the first time since his accident. He looks as good as ever. Break a leg, Don-man.

*** The House failed to pass an Internet gambling ban this week. Even if they do there’ll still be on-line gambling. It’s called Day Trading.

*** Kareem Abdul Jabar was arrested for driving while stoned. Now I know what they mean when they call him the “highest” scorer in NBA history. 

*** All I keep hearing lately is “Gore or Bush?” “Gore or Bush?” Hey, can’t I just keep watching movies with both sex and violence. What a dumb question. 

*** So, the Emmy nominations were announced this week. Eighteen nominations for “The Sopranos”, eighteen nominations for “The West Wing”, but not one nomination for “Cinemax After Dark”. That’s some of the finest five minutes of television I’ve ever seen. 

*** Did you know that “The Emmys” were named after Emily Dickinson, the poet. It’s true. During a ten-year spell of writer’s block she hosted the first of the great game shows, “Name That Smell”. I was even a contestant. I won a year’s worth of Turtle Wax. My turtle has never been shinier. 

*** Did you hear about the San Francisco mother and son that had a child together? Hey, don’t laugh. At least he was getting some. The closest I ever came to having sex with my mother was when she was folding my underwear while I was still wearing it. 

And, that’s that.

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