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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 07-28-00
*** So, George W. Bush has picked Dick Cheney to be his running mate. Does this surprise anyone? You knew he was gonna pick some kind of a dick, didn’t you?

*** Yeah, I’ve got a question to ASK OJ: What’s it like to work with Leslie Nielsen?

*** I started smoking two weeks ago and I’m already up to a carton a day. I’m hoping to get a really good cancer, one where they’ll have to rip out a lung or leave a hole in my neck. I’ve already got a lawyer on retainer --- so, COME ON, CANCER!

*** Kathie Lee Gifford, America’s Sweetheart, has left that morning show she’s been doing with Regis Philbin. Gee, I sure hope she’ll put out a newsletter or start a website or something, so that we can keep up on the “exploits” of her children: Cody, Cassidy, and the ones making that clothing line of hers.  

*** So, a Jerry Springer show guest was murdered this week. How many are like me and think this is a good start?

*** So, a judge has ordered that NAPSTER be shut down. I guess it’s back to shoplifting for me.

*** I’ve got so much gas I’m farting out my ears.

*** So, Joan Collins turned down an offer to play Mrs. Robinson in the London Stage production of “The Graduate”. She said she’s too old to do nudity. Hey, I’ve seen Joan Collins naked. She looked like she was wearing a corduroy body suit. Who would even know she was naked?  

*** The ABC television network has begun advertising for the “Norm” show in public bathrooms in New York and LA. In related news, they will continue to advertise for “Making The Band” on toilet paper. Sort of gives new meaning to the term “smear campaign”.  

*** So, “Millionaire” groom Rick Rockwell was attacked in his hotel room after a recent stand up comedy gig. I said it to the police then and I’ll say it here now: “I had nothing to do with this. Sure I was there, but I didn’t hurt him. His toenail just fell off.” And, hey Rick, if you think you’re getting that toenail back, forget about it. It went for $10 on E-Bay.  

*** Just when you thought it couldn’t get any duller, C-SPAN will be airing gavel to gavel coverage of the Republican National Convention next week. This answers the question: “What is the opposite of Viagra?”

*** So, Darryl Strawberry has cancer again. You know, I really thought he could’ve licked that colon cancer, what with having his head up his ass for the last few years.

*** Did you hear about the mom who brought home an 11-year old girl for her son to rape? Can’t someone just kill this woman before she ends up on the Jerry Springer show?

And, that’s that.

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