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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-04-00

*** Had the Republican Convention on the TV all week. That’s the best sleep I’ve ever gotten.  

*** One of the stated goals of the Convention was to lure “moderate” conservatives to support their ticket. What the hell is a “moderate” conservative? Is that a guy who loosens his tie before he takes a shower? One who doesn’t need to use a crowbar to take a dump? 

*** Gerald Ford had a stroke at the convention. This proves that although the 87-year old ex-President isn’t presidential material anymore, he’s at least vice-presidential material. 

*** Got an advance look at “Coyote Ugly” when Barbara Bush showed up at the convention. 

*** There was a big increase in the ratings on Thursday. Apparently a lot of people wanted to hear Bush speak at the convention. Not me. If I want to hear Bush speak, I’ll go see “The Vagina Monologues”. 

*** So, Roseanne’s going to be naked in Playboy. I haven’t been this excited about anything since --- well, since Georgie Bush picked Dick Cheney as his running mate. 

*** The next time a woman’s staring at my dick I hope I’m not in a police line-up at the time.  

*** Looks like Regis had to go outside the marriage for a little joy.

*** Did you see the woman flashing on the Today Show? Two more reasons to watch NBC. 

*** So, Charlton Heston spent some time in rehab. Sounds like Moses was sipping a little too much of the Blood of Christ. 

*** Did you hear about the guy who killed his wife because she wouldn’t have sex with him? I don’t know, somehow this sounds wrong. I’ll ASK OJ  just to be sure. 

*** So, Ford Motor says they’ve got a plan to increase gas mileage in SUVs by 25 percent. Great, now I’ll get two and a half miles per gallon. 

*** What’s with all the naked old-guy asses in “Space Cowboys”? Please. Aren’t there enough old asses on C-SPAN? Do we really need to see more? 

*** Al Gore says that he has narrowed his potential running mates to a short list. On that short list: Danny Devito, Mini-Me, and Hank the Angry Dwarf. 

*** Charles Barkley wants to be in the movies. He said, and I quote, “I’m not going to be no action hero, but I do want to kill people. I’ve always wanted to kill somebody, so I can’t wait to do that.” Sounds like somebody’s been taking acting lessons from OJ.

And, that’s that.

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