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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-12-00

*** So, Al Gore’s running mate is Joe Lieberman. Al said, “When I think of Joe Lieberman words like “honor”, “dignity”, and “courage” come to mind.” Hillary Clinton said, “When I think of Joe Lieberman words like “fucking”, “Jew”, and “bastard” come to mind.”

*** Apparently at least one 20/20 news reporter can’t see straight. John Stossell based an entire report on scientific studies that never took place. I guess “journalism ethics” and “news reporting” are both oxymorons to Mr. Stossell. He was just making shit up. That bastard! I rely on people like John Stossell and Craig Kilborn to keep me informed on what’s happening out there. So, when something like this happens I gotta speak out: “AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!” Hopefully soon the phrase “20/20’s John Stossell” will also be a contradiction in terms. P.S. – “Made up shit” sounds a lot like what I imagine John Stossell’s wife looks like when she’s ready for a night on the town.

*** So, Tennessee (the state) has started a “DO NOT CALL” registry. If your name’s on the list telemarketers are supposed to remove your name from their records. I think they can save a lot of time and money by just slapping “DO NOT CALL” stickers on all the phone books.

*** Having just executed a man with an IQ of 60, Georgie Bush now officially becomes “The Dumbest Man In Texas”. Congratulations, Georgie! We knew you could do it.

*** There’s a big recall of Firestone tires going on. I remember my first Firestone tire --- tied to a tree, I’d swing on it all day long. Well, that’s what I recall.

*** A bunch of White House workers were caught downloading porno. Hey, when you work at the White House you pretty much gotta do what the President wants.

*** Here’s where Jennifer Aniston and I differ: I’ve got no problem seeing naked pictures of her in “Celebrity Skin”.  

*** So, jumbo comic Louie Anderson lost his gall bladder. That just seems careless. Are you sure it’s lost? There’s a lot of Louie to look through.

*** I’m so dehydrated I’m peeing steam.

*** According to a new survey there are more women than men on the web. I’ll bet there’s still more men than women in lesbian chat rooms.

*** Have you heard about the “Brown Orifice”? No, not the Netscape hacker program. That’s what the kids were calling me when we went camping without toilet paper. Talk about roughing it.

*** According to someone somewhere, Joe Dimaggio’s last words were, “I’m going to see Marilyn.” Many have taken this to mean he was looking forward to rejoining Marilyn Monroe in the afterlife. Actually, he had no idea he was going to die and was just looking forward to an upcoming Marilyn Manson concert.

*** How can Spike Lee put out a movie called “The Original Kings Of Comedy” and exclude Pauly Shore? Was he trying to make sure the other guys didn’t get overshadowed? 

*** Did you hear about the elevator accident at the World Trade Center? I’m not sure there’s a joke here, but I am sure there’s a lawsuit. 

And, that’s that.

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