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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-19-00

*** This week was the Democrats chance to bore the pants off Americans. No problem here. I don’t wear pants when I know a hottie like Haddasah Lieberman will be on TV. 

*** Here’s some things you might not know about Al Gore:                                               --- He’s battery operated.                                                                                                        --- He was built by UNIVAC.                                                                                                 --- He does 100 push-ups a day. He’d do more, but he’s not programmed for that.            --- He not only invented the internet, he also invented constipation, blisters, and ringworm. (Thanks a lot for those last three, you bastard.)                                                 --- He not only inspired the novel “Love Story”, he also inspired the novel “I, Robot”.   --- His wife Tipper got her name from her years of service as a mohel. 

*** About that Russian sub: I haven’t heard this much talk about possibly dead seamen since I went to that fertility clinic. 

*** ATTENTION SELF-HATING BLACKS: Pat Buchanan has selected a black woman to be his running mate. Is this true? Or did somebody slip something in my drink? What self-respecting black woman would even talk to Pat Buchanan? He must have found her working on his plantation.  

*** In other Pat Buchanan news, he says that there is no room in his campaign for racists or bigots. Expect him to resign from the campaign any day now. 

*** In other black news: The nominations for the Country Music Association Awards were announced. My favorite, “Back In The Outhouse Again” by Brooks and Dump was shut out. I do hope they finally give Garth Brooks a lifetime achievement award so he can really retire this time. 

*** In other Garth Brooks news, he will be opening up his home as a museum for all of his fans. I wonder if he’ll be opening up a smaller second home for the hundreds of Chris Gaines’ fans.

*** Ohio (the state) has started to require pre-registration for anyone buying five kegs or more at one time. So, let me get this straight, if I lived in Ohio I couldn’t buy a week’s worth of groceries without getting the government’s permission. What’s up with that?

*** Did you hear about that Pennsylvania teen that made a bet that he can go a year without talking? What can we do to get them all to shut up? 

*** Jennifer Lopez is starring in this new movie “The Cell”. It’s a futuristic look at where she’ll eventually be visiting Puff Daddy.

*** David Bowie and a Man had a baby. Boy, that Mick Jagger sure gets around. 

*** Do you think telepathic people are upset that they never cashed in on their original “Wireless Communication”? 

*** According to a United Nations report, half the world’s population does not have access to a toilet. And when I’m having my weekly bout of diarrhea the other half doesn’t want access to a toilet. 

*** Rapper Eminem and his wife have divorced. She left him for someone named Slim Shady.

*** Lastly, a note to Oprah: So you want everyone to “live in the moment” and experience “life in the now”. Hey, Oprah! Blow Me! NOW!

And, that’s that.

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