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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 08-25-00
*** So, Bill Clinton signs this woman’s T-shirt, she starts undressing, and SHE ends up getting arrested. How come when I was at the beach and started drawing nipples on this woman’s shirt I ended up getting arrested? It’s who you know, I swear.  

*** Bill Clinton’s response to the woman’s arrest: “I guess a blow job’s out of the question.”   

*** Everyone’s still talking about Al Gore dry-humping his wife at the convention. Hey, I didn’t know Al was into fat chicks. Looks like the Clinton era is here to stay.            

*** Hey, Guys! Ellen Degeneres is available! The line starts behind me, okay?

*** So, Anne Heche went nuts this past week. I didn’t know when they said she went both ways they meant “sane” and “insane”.

*** They hired some 11-year old British kid to play Harry Potter in the movies. What a bad idea. Wasn’t Colonel Potter a cranky old man in his sixties throughout the entire eleven year run of the Korean War? Suicide may be painless, but this sounds truly painful.  

*** I must have the worst HMO imaginable. The doctor who examined my prostate used a can-opener.

*** Pat Buchanan had his gall bladder removed this week. This is the third major organ removal for Pat. He had his heart removed when he became a Republican, and he had his brain removed when he joined the Reform Party.

*** Ralph Nader is running for president on the Green Party ticket and everyone keeps saying if you vote for Nader you’ll be throwing your vote away. I can think of at least three worse ways to throw your vote away: vote for Bush, Gore, or Buchanan.

*** I saw yet another TV debate on the topic “Does violence in the media create violent behavior?” I swear if I hear this question one more time I’m gonna snap and kill someone.

*** There’s a new study out that says that movie theater seats have more germs and bacteria than any place else you can sit. I guess the entire scientific community has stopped classifying my lap as a place where anyone should sit.

*** Did you hear about that woman in Bogota who was arrested trying to smuggle over a million dollars worth of heroin that she had surgically implanted into her breasts? Talk about a drug bust! 

*** A bit of a riot broke out at the Hip-Hop Awards. Police shut it down after a huge fistfight broke out and people started throwing things at the stage. What, no guns? That doesn’t sound very Hip-Hop to me. 

*** Uncle Herbie’s Time Management Tip #37: Never give yourself a cement enema. True, it may cut down on your time actually going to the bathroom, but the time you save will only be spent in surgery.

*** Oh, and some gay guy won a million dollars on some game show. 

And, that’s that.

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