How come when I was
at the beach and started drawing nipples on this woman’s shirt I ended up
getting arrested? It’s who you know, I swear.
*** Bill Clinton’s response to the woman’s arrest:
“I guess a blow job’s out of the question.”
*** Everyone’s still talking about Al Gore dry-humping
his wife at the convention. Hey, I didn’t know Al was into fat chicks. Looks
like the Clinton era is here to stay.
*** Hey, Guys! Ellen Degeneres is available! The line
starts behind me, okay?
*** So, Anne Heche went nuts this past week. I didn’t
know when they said she went both ways they meant “sane” and “insane”.
*** They hired some 11-year old British kid to play
Harry Potter in the movies. What a bad idea. Wasn’t Colonel Potter a cranky
old man in his sixties throughout the entire eleven year run of the Korean War?
Suicide may be painless, but this sounds truly painful.
*** I must have the worst HMO imaginable. The doctor who
examined my prostate used a can-opener.
*** Pat Buchanan had his gall bladder removed this week.
This is the third major organ removal for Pat. He had his heart removed when he
became a Republican, and he had his brain removed when he joined the Reform
Party.
*** Ralph Nader is running for president on the Green
Party ticket and everyone keeps saying if you vote for Nader you’ll be
throwing your vote away. I can think of at least three worse ways to throw your
vote away: vote for Bush, Gore, or Buchanan.
*** I saw yet another TV debate on the topic “Does
violence in the media create violent behavior?” I swear if I hear this
question one more time I’m gonna snap and kill someone.
*** There’s a new study out that says that movie
theater seats have more germs and bacteria than any place else you can sit. I
guess the entire scientific community has stopped classifying my lap as a place
where anyone should sit.
*** Did you hear about that woman in Bogota who was arrested trying to smuggle over a
million dollars worth of heroin that she had surgically implanted into her
breasts? Talk about a drug bust!
*** A bit of a riot broke out at the Hip-Hop Awards.
Police shut it down after a huge fistfight broke out and people started throwing
things at the stage. What, no guns? That doesn’t sound very Hip-Hop to me.
*** Uncle Herbie’s Time Management Tip #37: Never
give yourself a cement enema. True, it may cut down on your time actually going
to the bathroom, but the time you save will only be spent in surgery.
*** Oh, and some gay guy won a million dollars on some
game show.
