| *** So, Bill Clinton signs this woman’s T-shirt, she
starts undressing, and SHE ends up getting arrested. How come when I was
at the beach and started drawing nipples on this woman’s shirt I
getting arrested? It’s who you know, I swear.
*** Bill Clinton’s response to
the woman’s arrest:
“I guess a blow job’s out of the question.”
*** Everyone’s still talking about
Al Gore dry-humping
his wife at the convention. Hey, I didn’t know Al was into fat
like the Clinton era is here to
*** Hey, Guys! Ellen Degeneres is
available! The line
starts behind me, okay?
*** So, Anne Heche went nuts this past
week. I didn’t
know when they said she went both ways they meant “sane”
*** They hired some 11-year old British
kid to play
Harry Potter in the movies. What a bad idea. Wasn’t Colonel
Potter a cranky
old man in his sixties throughout the entire eleven year run of the
Suicide may be painless, but this sounds truly painful.
*** I must have the worst HMO imaginable. The doctor who
examined my prostate used a can-opener.
*** Pat Buchanan had his gall bladder
removed this week.
This is the third major organ removal for Pat. He had his heart removed
became a Republican, and he had his brain removed when he joined the
*** Ralph Nader is running for president
on the Green
Party ticket and everyone keeps saying if you vote for Nader
throwing your vote away. I can think of at least three worse ways to
vote away: vote for Bush, Gore, or Buchanan.
*** I saw yet another TV debate on the
violence in the media create violent behavior?” I swear if I hear
question one more time I’m gonna snap and kill someone.
*** There’s a new study out that
says that movie
theater seats have more germs and bacteria than any place else you can
guess the entire scientific community has stopped classifying my lap as
where anyone should sit.
*** Did you hear about that woman in
Bogota who was arrested trying to smuggle over a
million dollars worth of heroin that she had surgically implanted into
breasts? Talk about a drug bust!
*** A bit of a riot broke out at the
Police shut it down after a huge fistfight broke out and people started
things at the stage. What, no guns? That doesn’t sound very
Hip-Hop to me.
*** Uncle Herbie’s Time Management
Tip #37: Never
give yourself a cement enema. True, it may cut down on your time
to the bathroom, but the time you save will only be spent in surgery.
*** Oh, and some gay guy won a million
dollars on some
And, that’s that.
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