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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 09-01-00
*** Did you hear about that woman doctor who smothered her elderly parents to death? I knew the Menendez brothers had a sister, but where did they get the second set of parents?

*** According to a new book Richard Nixon was a drunk. It’s been years since Nixon died and they’re still trying to make him seem human.

*** Hey, Spencer Johnson --- I didn’t move your cheese, I just cut it. Leave me alone already.

*** I went to see that new cheerleader movie, but the Viagra didn’t start working until it was over. It just wasn’t quite as enjoyable as it could have been.  

*** A stuntman died on the set of a Steven Seagal movie. Why can’t Steven Seagal be more like Jackie Chan and do his own damn stunts? I’d sooner go to his funeral than any movie he was in. 

*** Richard Mulligan is dying. The former “Empty Nest” star is looking forward to his next project “Full Coffin”. 

*** What exactly is the difference between a “Whitey” and a “Cracker”? I can only assume that a “Whitey” doesn’t taste as good in soup. 

*** The Pope has come out against human cloning. He had originally planned to come out in full support of human cloning until he read in the Enquirer about how bad that whole "Gallagher"/ "Gallagher II" thing turned out. Enquiring Popes want to know.  

*** Uncle Herbie’s Time Management Tip #37: Don’t waste time in the morning trying to decide which tie to wear. Just tattoo a noose around your neck and go to work shirtless. 

*** What the hell has happened to New York? Buildings are falling, rats are covering the ground, the sky is filled with West NileVirus bearing mosquitos, and Geraldo Rivera is running for mayor. Well, at least the subways are still safe. 

*** When your doctor runs out of tongue depressors does he use his penis? Just asking. 

*** Really, I’m just asking. 

*** Once again this year I will be helping to man the phones at the Jerry Lewis telethon. Pledge early and often and maybe this year we can finally put an end to Jerry Lewis. 

*** A special shout out to Dick Hertz who pledged more often than anyone else last year. Thanks, Dick. 

*** Lastly, it’s Labor Day weekend. The one time of the year when we can stop working like a dog and kick back and lick our own asses like a dog. Enjoy! 

And, that’s that.

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