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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 09-15-00

*** You've all heard by now about the Georgie Bush "subliminal" attack ad wherein bureaucrats are equated with rats and rats with Al Gore. So, I'm thinking subliminal must now mean honest. I think Webster's was the first to officially make the connection between rats and bureaucrats. And "bureaucratic rat"? Doesn't that sound like Al Gore's job description?

*** Al Gore made other news when he ordered Hollywood to "clean up its act." I really think he was just referring to Mickey Rourke. Hey, Mickster! Take a bath, will ya? When a politician whose neck deep in the muck and mire can smell you, you know you've got problems.

*** Hollywood has also been accused of marketing its movies and video games to teens, the very people who go to movies and play video games. What the hell were they thinking? Marketing to their market. It's criminal.

*** Due to his constant insistence on taking his foot out of his mouth to speak, there is current speculation that Georgie Bush (or as he prefers to be called "Daddy") has dyslexia (or as Georgie calls it "Daddy"). This is so unfair. It really is hard to put food on your family, unless you tie them down first. And is we educating our children properly? Not in this case.

*** There's a pastry chef suing the White House for sexual harassment. Wow, now the whole building's getting in on the Clinton act. What could they possibly have been thinking? "It's 5AM. Time to make the donut-maker."

*** I'll bet Gloria Steinem finally feels like a real woman now that she's married. Now start fathering some children.

*** They've recently put up a statue of Ralph Kramden in front of the New York Port Authority bus terminal. I can't wait to see the statue of Alice Kramden they put on the moon.

*** Star Jones (the one on the View you can't miss) says that she will begin marketing plus-size clothes to women via the internet. Here's a question: Do women who buy plus-size clothes still ask, "Does this make me look fat?"

*** Breast Fest 2000 recently took place in Australia. 343 Australian women were all breast-feeding at the same time. I'd say there are about 686 reasons I'm interested in this story.

*** According to the latest tracking studies, Rottweillers have now beat out Pit Bulls as America's most deadliest dog breed. America's most peeingest dog remains my mutt, Mr. Scruffles. Congratulations to all who entered. There are no real losers, just a lot of soiled sports.

*** Did you hear about that New Jersey woman who was dead in her home for a year before anyone noticed? The neighbors got a bit suspicious when they saw Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman spending every weekend at her place. And a bit more suspicious when all the teenage boys in town were talking about how easy she was, even the dorks and dweebs. But it finally came to light when she never renewed her subscription to "Modern Corpse" magazine.

*** Microsoft just released their new Windows upgrade Windows Me and already their are reports that it's loaded with bugs. A buggy Microsoft program? Unbelievable! When will they start the malathion spraying campaigns at the Microsoft factories?

*** Gwyneth Paltrow sings in this new Karaoke movie "Duets". I don't know about you, but I can never get drunk enough to truly appreciate Karaoke.

*** It's "Back to School" time and there's been a lot of renewed discussions on the subject of school uniforms. The whole idea of uniformity scares me, so I'm generally opposed to the concept. But if they do make it mandatory I say they should make all school uniforms out of Kevlar. Stockings and socks as well. You all remember what happened to Achilles?

*** Lastly, there's a controversial anti-cock fighting bill that would ban the interstate transfer of cocks. I never needed to go out of state to get a good cock fight going. All I ever needed was a high school locker room and a gym teacher with a hard on.

And, that’s that.

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