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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 09-22-00

*** What's so special about the Olympics? I didn't see anybody drooling.

*** The Pope now says that condoms may be OK in a moral fight against AIDS. Hey, I've been telling him for years that he should wear a condom if he's going to keep doing that to me.

*** Boxer Lennox Lewis is running around telling anyone who will listen that he's not gay. That's not what the Pope tells me.

*** In an effort to boost the self-esteem of students, teachers across the country have decided to stop using red pens when grading papers. So now if you see any red on a student's paper it's probably just blood from a gunshot wound.

*** Can the teachers still use red condoms while having sex with the students?

*** In an effort to court "swing" voters, Georgie Bush is campaigning at playgrounds everywhere.

*** An Army Panel now recommends that gay soldiers should be given honorable discharge. What about the ones that swallow?

*** Taco Bell has been accused of using unauthorized bio-tech corn in its taco shells. The corn, when reached for a comment, said, "No quiero Taco Bell."

*** The Archdiocese of New York settled a lawsuit with a Bronx guy who said he was sexually abused by a nun when he was twelve. That sounds a lot like my sex life at age twelve --- "none."

*** Alec Baldwin said that he will leave the country if George W. Bush is elected. Tempting, but it's still not enough reason to elect a retard.

*** The FDA is investigating a possible link between the use of the acne medication Accutane and a recent rash of suicides. Hey, at least they all died with clear skin.

*** First Daughter Chelsea Clinton is now dating a White House intern. When asked for a comment Bill Clinton said, "Boy, doesn't that suck."

*** MTV's Love Line with Dr. Drew-No-Audience has been cancelled. You've got to be a special kind of boring to draw no audience to a show about teenagers having sex.

*** Major League Has-Been Rick Springfield was arrested for beating up his wife. Next up for Rick --- he wants to beat up Jesse's Girl.

*** If you're like me your Depends are too tight, but you've also always wondered how urine became known as #1 and feces became #2. I think it was Casey Kasem's first countdown.

*** According to a new survey, 49 percent of New Yorkers do not wash their hands after going to the bathroom. How are they supposed to wash their hands? Have you ever seen a sink on a subway?

*** According to another study, lack of sleep can have the same physical and mental impairments as being drunk. I have never seen a really tired guy pee on himself, vomit on his friends, and sleep with a really hairy fat chick. Have you?

*** In this week's lesbian couple break-up news: Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher have split up. Reports are that Melissa will retain custody of all the leftover David Crosby sperm. Damn! I was hoping I could get my hands on some of that. I guess now the only way I'll ever end up with some David Crosby sperm is to date him. Anyone got his number?

*** Joey Lawrence, just months away from full-fledged has-been status, says that he now wants to be called Joseph. It doesn't matter if it's Joey or Joseph, to me he will always be a Dick.

And, that’s that.

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