*** What's so special about the
Olympics? I didn't see anybody drooling.
*** The Pope now says that condoms may
be OK in a moral fight against AIDS.
Hey, I've been telling him for years that he should wear a condom if
to keep doing that to me.
*** Boxer Lennox Lewis is running
around telling anyone who will listen that
he's not gay. That's not what the Pope tells me.
*** In an effort to boost the
self-esteem of students, teachers across the
country have decided to stop using red pens when grading papers. So now
see any red on a student's paper it's probably just blood from a
*** Can the teachers still use red
condoms while having sex with the
*** In an effort to court "swing"
voters, Georgie Bush is
campaigning at playgrounds everywhere.
*** An Army Panel now recommends that
gay soldiers should be given honorable
discharge. What about the ones that swallow?
*** Taco Bell has been accused of
using unauthorized bio-tech corn in its
taco shells. The corn, when reached for a comment, said, "No quiero
*** The Archdiocese of New York
settled a lawsuit with a Bronx guy who said
he was sexually abused by a nun when he was twelve. That sounds a lot
sex life at age twelve --- "none."
*** Alec Baldwin said that he will
leave the country if George W. Bush is
elected. Tempting, but it's still not enough reason to elect a retard.
*** The FDA is investigating a
possible link between the use of the acne
medication Accutane and a recent rash of suicides. Hey, at least they
with clear skin.
*** First Daughter Chelsea Clinton is
now dating a White House intern. When
asked for a comment Bill Clinton said, "Boy, doesn't that suck."
*** MTV's Love Line with Dr.
Drew-No-Audience has been cancelled. You've got
to be a special kind of boring to draw no audience to a show about
*** Major League Has-Been Rick
Springfield was arrested for beating up his
wife. Next up for Rick --- he wants to beat up Jesse's Girl.
*** If you're like me your Depends are
too tight, but you've also always
wondered how urine became known as #1 and feces became #2. I think it
Kasem's first countdown.
*** According to a new survey, 49
percent of New Yorkers do not wash their
hands after going to the bathroom. How are they supposed to wash their
Have you ever seen a sink on a subway?
*** According to another study, lack
of sleep can have the same physical and
mental impairments as being drunk. I have never seen a really tired guy
himself, vomit on his friends, and sleep with a really hairy fat chick.
*** In this week's lesbian couple
break-up news: Melissa Etheridge and Julie
Cypher have split up. Reports are that Melissa will retain custody of
leftover David Crosby sperm. Damn! I was hoping I could get my hands on
that. I guess now the only way I'll ever end up with some David Crosby
to date him. Anyone got his number?
*** Joey Lawrence, just months away
from full-fledged has-been status, says
that he now wants to be called Joseph. It doesn't matter if it's Joey
to me he will always be a Dick.
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