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What's on My Mind? By Uncle Herbie 09-29-00

*** A bunch of whackos (they prefer the term "faithful") have been flocking to a house in Perth Amboy, New Jersey to look at some condensation on a window. They claim that this condensation is in the image of the Virgin Mary. Yes, and all clouds look like Santa Claus. All I can say is that with all this poking, prodding, and laying on of hands she won't be a virgin for long.

*** Wisconsin conservative leader Marvin Munyon has a message for all parents: "Spank your children well." Wasn't that a Bing Crosby, Stills and Nash song? He went on to demonstrate proper technique for a group of about 50 parents by spanking a teenage boy. Here's my message to all parents: "Keep Marvin Munyon away from your kid's ass!"

*** Did you hear about this new book "The Jesus Mysteries"? Now, Jesus has always been one of my favorite fictional characters. And that first book featuring the character sold pretty well. But, I don't know --- Jesus as a detective? I don't think Mike Hammer has anything to worry about.

*** In honor of the re-release of "The Exorcist" I've been peeing all over my carpet and vomiting everywhere. I don't know what excuse I'll use next week.

*** According to new research, disposable diapers may be linked to male infertility. No shit. Of course there's a link. Most men know that fertility can eventually lead to seeing and handling a lot of disposable diapers right at the time they most need disposing.

*** RU486? Yes, IM486. I just hope it doesn't encourage the anti-choice nuts (I should say "extreme anti-choice nuts", they're all nuts) to start gunning down pharmacists. And don't start picketing in front of pharmacies either. When I need my anti-diarrheal medicine, I need it now. If you value your shoes you won't get in my way.

*** I went to Border's Books and Music over the weekend. I saw this book "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wrestling". I was all set to buy it when I spotted another book "Wrestling for Dummies". Now, I couldn't figure out if I was a "Complete Idiot" or a "Dummy", so I just put them both back on the shelf, paid for my Kathie Lee Gifford CD, and left.

*** I can't wait till they put out "Ventriloquism for Dummies". I really enjoy having the puppets arm up my butt, but so far Chuckles hasn't been able to get me to say anything.

*** They say that the next president could name up to three Supreme Court justices. I'll bet if Bush wins he'd be lucky if he could name even one. 

*** Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau is dead. Who's gonna draw "Doonesbury" now?

*** John Gotti has throat cancer. He was sent to a prison hospital where doctors expect to have those tumors whacked by next week.

*** Anna Nicole Smith was awarded close to half a billion dollars of her late husband's estate. Who knew there was this much money to be made blowing old guys? I might even take it up again.

*** An autopsy was performed on that guy that drove his van into Stephen King. Police are pretty sure it was the autopsy that killed him, but a cloud of suspicion remains. Already brought in for questioning: Annie Wilkes, Jack Torrance, and Carrie White. No word yet on when Cujo will give a statement.

*** To celebrate the release of his new CD, rapper Flesh-N-Bone was sent to jail for 12 years for brandishing a gun during a fight with a "friend". If he really wanted to insure sales of that new CD, he should've figured out a way to die during that gunfight.

*** I was shocked to hear that Perry Como is doing well after a brief hospital stay. Shocked because I could've sworn I was at his funeral ten years ago.

*** Lastly, the big winner on "Big Brother" was Eddie the one-legged guy. He must be jumping for joy.

And, that’s that.

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