A Message from The Onion Board of Editors

Dear Reader,

Since 1931, it has been Onion, Inc.'s corporate policy to avoid written or verbal contact with the common reader. Our bylaws clearly state that exposure to the masses undermines our journalistic impartiality.

It is with great repugnance, therefore, that we communicate this necessary information directly to you this Monday, August 29, 2005.

As of today, all Onion Premium accounts have been terminated, and the service itself has been deleted from the Internet.

As of Wednesday morning, a new ad-enriched web site will debut, delighting readers like yourself with its winning combination of hard-hitting news and cutting-edge corporate sponsorship.

Sincerely,

The Onion Board Of Editors

P.S. Our undersecretaries have informed us that some of you have written confused and windy "e-mails" requesting "refunds" on the "remaining portions" of your Premium subscriptions. While we voted unanimously in favor of taking this matter to the highest courts in the land, our legal department is advising that we settle your account in the coming weeks.